USDA Reveals Unreleased Food Pyramid From 1997

Hey, kids!

1. Due to a staffing error in 1997, the USDA accidentally hired an 11-year-old boy, who took it upon himself to revise the food pyramid.

Foods were divided into six groups:

- Carbs: 6-11 servings. Eaters should look to keep a strong representation of breakfast-style foods but also mix in items from the cracker group.
- Pizza: 3-4 servings. Look for products incorporating meat, which will up your protein intake.
- Liquids: 2-4 servings. An important—and innovative—aspect of the American diet in 1997 involved treating liquids as a food group. Certain liquids, such as Hi-C, could also provide extra vitamins and nutrients.
- Gummies: 2-3 servings. Search for products rich in color. The more vibrant the hue of your tongue post-snack, the better.
- Dairy: 2-3 servings. Increase calcium intake via spreadable cheeses and yogurts formulated to taste like cereals.
- Blue raspberry: 1-2 servings. While the blue raspberry fruit has been shown to provide boosts of energy, consumption should be limited. (Because blue lips are hard to hide from parents.)