The 13 Creepiest Toys You Played With As A Kid


1. Furbies

Not only did Furbies contribute to the disintegration of the American child’s grammatical development — “Me love you!” — but they also turned kids into worshippers of mechanical owl-like things with creepy eyes and creepy ears and oh God you had to stroke them all over.

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2. Gooey Louie

In this game, you’d pull boogers out of Gooey Louie’s nose, but one was a bad booger which would make Gooey Louie’s brain pop out. True story.

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3. Puppy Surprise

Basically, you get this pregnant dog and then you get to birth her puppies over and over again. Which was really not a great deal for the dog. Just when she thought it was over, you’d pop those pups back in and oh, great, knocked up again.

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4. Quints

I’d like to think these sets of dolls introduced girls at an early age to the benefits of birth control.

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5. Glo Worms

There’s nothing too creepy about the Glo Worm’s backstory (if he even has one). More that this thing looks like a personified plush dildo.

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6. Troll Dolls

Naked, genital-less freaks with expensive bling belly buttons.

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7. Teddy Ruxpin

This talking teddy bear was the Stepford Wife of your childhood.

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8. Mr. Bucket

It wasn’t like Mr. Bucket was scary. This game — which spat out balls that you had to quickly return to him — earns creepy points because this was your parents’ attempt to brainwash you from a young age into the cult of clean.

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9. Bed Bugs

Oh great. A board game about Bushwick, Brooklyn.

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10. Mad Balls

AHHHH stop playing with a motherfucking eyeball. Boys are just so gross.

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11. The Creepy Crawler Oven

Again. Gross boys. Making jelly candies in the shapes of insects. And then leaving them in unpleasant places to surprise you.

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12. Eat at Ralph’s

You would feed Ralph until he barfed up everything right back at you. Slow clap, Milton Bradley, for bulimia.

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13. And…the Playskool Tape Recorder. (Sort of.)

I mean. Mainly this kid is just freaking me the fuck out.

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