The 13 Creepiest Toys You Played With As A Kid

OH MY GOD FURBIES WHY.

1. Furbies

Not only did Furbies contribute to the disintegration of the American child’s grammatical development — “Me love you!” — but they also turned kids into worshippers of mechanical owl-like things with creepy eyes and creepy ears and oh God you had to stroke them all over.

2. Gooey Louie

In this game, you’d pull boogers out of Gooey Louie’s nose, but one was a bad booger which would make Gooey Louie’s brain pop out. True story.

3. Puppy Surprise

Basically, you get this pregnant dog and then you get to birth her puppies over and over again. Which was really not a great deal for the dog. Just when she thought it was over, you’d pop those pups back in and oh, great, knocked up again.

4. Quints

I’d like to think these sets of dolls introduced girls at an early age to the benefits of birth control.

5. Glo Worms

There’s nothing too creepy about the Glo Worm’s backstory (if he even has one). More that this thing looks like a personified plush dildo.

6. Troll Dolls

Naked, genital-less freaks with expensive bling belly buttons.

7. Teddy Ruxpin

This talking teddy bear was the Stepford Wife of your childhood.

8. Mr. Bucket

It wasn’t like Mr. Bucket was scary. This game — which spat out balls that you had to quickly return to him — earns creepy points because this was your parents’ attempt to brainwash you from a young age into the cult of clean.

9. Bed Bugs

Oh great. A board game about Bushwick, Brooklyn.

10. Mad Balls

AHHHH stop playing with a motherfucking eyeball. Boys are just so gross.

11. The Creepy Crawler Oven

Again. Gross boys. Making jelly candies in the shapes of insects. And then leaving them in unpleasant places to surprise you.

12. Eat at Ralph’s

You would feed Ralph until he barfed up everything right back at you. Slow clap, Milton Bradley, for bulimia.

13. And…the Playskool Tape Recorder. (Sort of.)

I mean. Mainly this kid is just freaking me the fuck out.

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