The 10 Basic Tenets Of Tannerism

Plato, Aristotle, Nietzsche, and…Tanner.

1. Talk to the hand.

Ever the pragmatist, Tanner employs rational methods of communication. One must “talk to the hand,” ‘cause the face ain’t gonna listen.

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2. Affirm with gusto.

When reacting in the affirmative, always make a “thumbs up” hand motion and reply with a comforting colloquialism such as “dude.”

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3. Decline firmly.

Dissent is best expressed by distancing one’s self from the object of conflict. Hide behind protective eyewear and insert a word of a foreign language. As seen here, a reference to the Spanish, “José,” meaning Joseph.

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4. Never communicate via landlines.

This technology is for Luddites.

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5. Alert others to the obvious.

“Others” are not as smart as you and therefore may need correction when something is wrong and/or obvious. “Duh” is a sharp and succinct method, or one might try its much more potent variant, “No duh.”

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6. Reprimand wrong-doers.

Maintain an authoritative presence and police others when they’ve crossed the lines of morality. Do so with respect and formal address—e.g.“mister.”

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7. Respond with honesty.

When friends throw you sarcasm or tell bad jokes, do not laugh or go along with it. Instead express the truth: “That’s not funny.” Most things aren’t.

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8. Employ reverse politesse from time to time.

The constructs of society have programmed us to give automatic responses to common exchanges. Every now and again, we must question whether our responses are truly genuine, and if not, then we should express the truth.

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9. Run towards opportunity.

When an appealing opportunity presents itself, do not hesitate to seize it. To avoid losing your opportunity, yell loudly with your voice.

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10. Take no prisoners.

Especially when they are potato chips.

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