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“Teen Witch” Rap Will Make You Embarrassed To Be An American

Magic: turning white kids into abysmal rappers since 1989.

Here’s what you need to know about the 1989 movie Teen Witch:
1. It is about a teenager who is also a witch.
2. It had a budget of $2.5 million. Its total gross: $27,843.
3. It featured the coolest kids you’ll ever meet—these three dudes who produced the most embarrassing rap song of all time, “Top That.”

Now, please join us for a comic analysis of this piece of musical excrement:

2. Cool gear.

I’m dying to know—are they listening to a tape or the radio?

3. Cool outfits and all the latest dance moves.

This is just a cornucopia of sartorial delights: rolled capri jeans, suspenders, man-tanks, man-vests, man-pastels.

4. He’s so funky!

5. Ohhhh shoot, the hat’s coming off. She’s going for it.

6. And he’s like:

7. And she’s all:

8. But they’re macho, macho men.

Attempt to show dominance over the females by assuming a frozen, posed position.

9. But she’s like, “top that!”

Boom.

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