You remember The First Wives Club, the 1996 film starring Bette Midler, Goldie Hawn, and Diane Keaton?
The story begins with four college friends…20 years later, three of them are united by the fourth’s suicide. They have lost touch. They are sad. Their relationships are all in complete ruins. It’s the ’90s.
Let us examine the extreme weirdness of this film…
1. In the beginning of the film, these three women are seriously depressed. And it’s the ’90s, so people are still taking Lithium, the world’s worst anti-depressant.
2. Yes, that is a skimpy dress. But this is also the ’90s. And fetuses don’t wear clothing.
3. It’s the letter from their dead friend that brings the trio back together. Shouldn’t this have arrived in the mail sooner?
4. The other dudes are bad…but Diane Keaton’s husband is shtupping their shrink!
5. To get back at her ex, Diane Keaton decides that she needs her lesbian daughter on board. So she stalks her at the lesbian bar. Embarrassing! Also, who tells their mom what bar they’re going to?
6. So now these ladies basically have a business devoted to divorce revenge. They have business cards and everything.
7. They have an office.
8. In prepping for their first stunt, Diane takes out her laptop. What do you need that for, Diane? There’s no WiFi in the ’90s!
9. They get into Morty’s (Bette’s ex) apartment by tricking his bimbo girlfriend into hiring this decorator. Bette Midler is his employee. How is Morty not putting this together?
10. Anyhow. They sneak into Morty’s office to steal files. Isn’t this pretty illegal?
11. Meanwhile, Diane tries to crack Morty’s computer. Let’s see what she finds. Oooh! A fax cover sheet.
12. Some nonsense bar chart.
13. A press release with typos.
14. The escape. WHY IS THE WINDOW WASHING CART EMPTY AT THE PENTHOUSE? The better question: Where is the window washer? Security in this building is clearly the worst.
16. Also, the skyline doesn’t appear to change at all here.
17. Goldie Hawn has a pretty serious drinking problem.
19. OMG WUT. Is that a dolphin faucet? Where do you get one of those?
20. Bette Midler finds some SUPER incriminating dirt on Morty. Doesn’t this put you in a horrible position? What about your kid? How do you even deal? The Feds come to get him…
21. And then they hand him over to…THE MOB? Moral of the story: Don’t cheat the IRS. You’ll wind up in a meat locker with some guy named Tony Bananas. Or Bette Midler.
22. Bette agrees to keep Morty’s secret in exchange for running his business. Making her a co-conspirator for having knowledge of his criminal activity. Their kid is so screwed.
23. Here’s where the women attempt to turn this into something more than revenge. Although this quote doesn’t seem to align with the philosophy of goodness.
24. I’m not exactly sure how Goldie Hawn’s husband is writing $250k cheques over to her…
25. Considering their whole divorce deal included her paying alimony to HIM because he supposedly needed it? (Oh yeah, he also sleeps with a 16-year-old.)
26. Then they ditch the “First Wives Club” and open a crisis center. Because they are so qualified to do so?
27. And Ivana Trump is a backer, but clearly just wants all the First Wives shenanigans.
28. What are you doing, Bette? This guy is a crook! Remember?
29. AND HOW ON EARTH IS GLORIA STEINEM IN THIS MOVIE?! HOW. HOW I ASK YOU.
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