1. The little girl who lies through her teeth.
Because, like, did that shit seriously work?
2. The woman who did a magical hairstyle with the TopsyTail.
Only $19.95 for a tiny piece of plastic that will make your hair dreams come true!
3. Suzanne Somers, who, it would appear, figured out how to climax from her ThighMaster.
Bonus points if you can multitask while using your ThighMaster!
4. This gentleman, who is not only a scholar (he owns the entire Encyclopedia Britannica series!) but can also drive a rolling chair.
One day, he’ll also figure out how to use the computer.
5. This woman, who installed this fire chimney sweep device and operates it with much glee.
This extremely random product was exciting to about four Canadians.
6. This aerosol can, which cures male insecurities.
Shhh! It’s really just paint!
7. This woman, who has cleverly made up something called “The ’70s Preservation Society,” something she knows will get her crush talking on the phone.
Being into Disco in the ’90s made you cool in the way that being into the ’90s now makes you cool.
Well, actually, the artist who created this museum-worthy masterpiece.
9. The woman who suffered the insanity. Then stopped it with diet tips.
Remember Susan Powter?
10. These women, who make men weak with the power of only one cordless phone.
Call this 1-800 number, and you got to listen to steamy…voicemails.
11. The girl who became fluent in French after watching Muzzy for 10 minutes.
The cartoon green giant who taught little children how to speak in foreign tongues. The man deserves a medal.
12. This man, who transformed himself from a geek to a god with the Soloflex.
In only thirty minutes a day, I hear.
13. This man, who, with the power of the Ginsu 2000, is able to slice shoes in half. A very valuable skill, indeed.
But it also cuts beef, chicken bones, tomatoes, bread, and tin cans.