1. Kenneth Branagh played a fanciful, ever-present British Abe Lincoln, aka British railway engineer Isambard Kingdom Brunel. (Which is a great name.)
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2. Men in tophats danced.
3. The Industrial Revolution happened.
4. Men in tophats did something weird with their hands.
5. British Abe Lincoln stood in some sort of magic circle.
6. Suffragists appeared out of nowhere.
7. Sgt. Peppers’ Lonely Hearts Club Band showed up in like, the 1800s.
8. See? Back to the Industrial Revolution.
9. James Bond showed up to fetch the Queen.
10. The Royal Corgis helped.
11. Then they tried to make us think that the Queen jumped out of a plane.
12. Parachuted, in fact.
13. The Queen was excited.
14. Then there was a tribute to the National Health Service, of course.
15. It involved real-life nurses, dressed up as nurses from some bygone era.
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16. Also, Mary Poppins(es).
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17. Fighting Voldemort. I swear.
19. AERIAL COMBAT!
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20. Mr. Bean played music.
22. And then he ran in the Chariots of Fire scene.
24. After that, it was the DIGITAL AGE, which, in the eyes of the Olympics, basically involves texting and social media and that’s it. Teens kissed.
25. And, uh, David Beckham showed up at the end. I’m telling you, it was weird.
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