The 25 Most Absurd Moments Of The Olympic Closing Ceremonies

Holy Boris Johnson, this thing was weird.

1. They did that strange, epilepsy-courting London-scenery countdown again.

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2. Winston Churchill popped out of the top of Big Ben and recited passages from Shakespeare’s “The Tempest.”

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I, for one, feel great about the fact that Timothy Spall can play both Winston Churchill…

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…and Peter Pettigrew in “Harry Potter.”

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3. In some bizarre homage to how London gets “started” every morning, a woman wore a dress made of newspaper, swinging newspaper bags…

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…and newspaper-clad dudes used newspaper jackhammers. Allegory for the necessity of print? Desperate plea for help? We’ll never know!

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4. A car exploded…

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…and Batman climbed out.

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Reference to something inherently British and inscrutable? Possibly! Either way, that’s definitely not Christian Bale.

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5. No big deal, just a guy wearing a fez and a Union-Jack kilt descending from the sky with a saxophone.

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6. Ladies and gentlemen, the Pet Shop Boys. God, I have to sleep at night after seeing this, somehow.

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7. Coolest delegation at the Olympics goes to the Ethiopians.

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8. This dude was just wandering through the athletes. Beer? Beer. Beer!

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9. Leave it to a French guy to show off.

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10. The Irish athletes know what’s up. They just competed for two-and-a-half weeks! Why should they be dancing to One Direction!

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11. Ugh, and then people started building a pyramid.

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I mean, I’m not even joking right now

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12. This was part of a nice little tribute to John Lennon, BUT: dressing a bunch of kids up in all-white “Imagine” shirts…

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…and building a replica of John Lennon’s face still qualifies as super-absurd.

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13. George Michael will sex you up.

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(Skull belt buckle = what the Olympics are all about.)

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14. Just give in. Let David Bowie take you away. Let him herd you through time like a glowing-haired sherpa.

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15. Annie Lennox’s set was pretty cool, but damn was it also scary.

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16. Speaking of scary: the most inscrutable thing about British culture, to me, is how it didn’t filter out Russell Brand before he became inexplicably famous.

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He pretended to be Willy Wonka, and then transitioned into lip-syncing “I Am The Walrus” through a megaphone. I remember this canto from Dante.

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18. Fatboy Slim emerges from the giant inflatable octopus. Fatboy Slim emerges from the giant inflatable octopus.

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Gian inflatable octopus. -_-

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This is some sort of horrible war machine from the future. I just know it is.

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*shakes uncontrollably*

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Tinie Tempah almost got devoured by the octopus, which was admittedly kind of cool.

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19. Noooooo not Taio Cruz anyone but Taio Cruz

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20. Oh, by the way, Jessie J performed in approx. 97% of the Olympic performances after entering in the back of some Bentley-looking automobile.

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Here she is, performing easily the worst air-guitar I’ve ever seen attempted by a coherent human being.

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Alongside her was Brian May, guitarist from Queen, rocking a haircut that looked like the glam-rock bastardization of a colonial powdered wig.

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21. Eric Idle of Monty Python fame fell out of a cannon…

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…and then performed “Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life” with a bunch of roller-skating nuns in what was easily the most British thing that’s ever happened.

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22. Boris Johnson waved the Olympic flag LIKE A BOSS.

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23. Kate Moss was there, in a very awkward supermodel sequence stapled on to the Bowie tribute because FASHION. (Bowie wasn’t there.)

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24. Liam Gallagher sang “Wonderwall,” the most famous song by his old, famous band Oasis, except without his brother Noel and with new act… Beady Eye. Yeah.

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25. And last, but not least: the Spice Girls reunited for a fun performance that gave us this GIF. Long live Posh Spice.

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