1. This is Ryan Lochte. Hi, Ryan Lochte! Ryan Lochte (he’s got one of those names that needs to be said in full) won the Men’s 400m Individual Medley yesterday.
2. There he is on the medal stand, looking extremely patriotic.
3. Speaking of patriotic, Ryan Lochte apparently has a diamond-studded American Flag mouth grill. It’s real trill.
4. His grill better allows him to chomp down on that tasty, tasty gold. Got to make sure it’s real, etc. OM NOM NOM.
5. Ryan Lochte also has a tattoo of an alligator on his back, because water and stuff.
Edit: The tattoo is because he went to the University of Florida.
6. What’s that Michael Phelps? You don’t have a grill? I wonder why you lost.
7. I know it’s confusing, but swimming has passed you by, Michael. Now you need a grill to win. It’s just that simple.
Right, Ryan Lochte?