So, Butler University is pretty good at basketball. They went to two championship games in a row in 2010 and 2011, and this year, they've offed No. 1 ranked Indiana University on their way to a No. 19 AP ranking. Their coach, Brad Stevens, is college basketball's premier wunderkind, inspiring envy and lust alike in fan bases across the country. We all know Butler's pretty good at basketball, and it looks like they do too.
In response to rumors that Butler might join the much-ballyhooed Catholic 7 — the hilariously nicknamed conference that will be made of the Big East escapees — Butler issued a press release today. Over the course of five paragraphs, Butler president James Danko neither confirms nor denies that it would join the Catholic 7 but leaves open the possibility through a series of increasingly hilarious brags. (They're not even really humble brags, just straight-up boasts.)
I greatly respect—and agree with—the collective conviction of the “Catholic 7” to control their own destiny or someone else will. Butler, too, has controlled its destiny proactively, for example, when it made the decision to join the outstanding Atlantic 10 Conference and through its values-based approach to athletics.
Translation: I greatly respect what the Catholic 7 is finally doing, aka something that Butler has been doing since the Cretaceous period. The Catholic 7 always could've done this EARLIER, you know? But better late than never. With any luck, and maybe the grace of Butler, the Catholic 7 will one day be as good and pure and wonderful as our conference, which rocks — because of us.
The fact that Butler is now being mentioned prominently as a potential candidate to join the “Catholic 7” universities in a new athletic league, is a tribute to the success of our athletic program overall and our men’s basketball team, in particular.
Translation:
Our team has proven consistently and continuously that it is one of the very best in the nation, and that they are one of the biggest brands in men’s college basketball. This national prestige naturally leads to speculation about Butler’s athletic future.
Translation: "No one small Indianapolis university with a Division I-AA football team should have all that power."
Our administrators, our coaches, our trustees and our team will continue to do what is right for Butler and its students. Decisions will be made, first and foremost, with the University’s strong values and The Butler Way at heart. Our uncompromising commitments to integrity, to placing one’s team above oneself, and to the academic and personal growth of each of our student-athletes will remain paramount.
Translation: You want us. You dream about us and you think about us when you're awake; one day, maybe, you'll be able to quit us, but not before we break your heart. But we're not thinking about you. We're thinking about us. Have to look out for number one. And make no mistake, we're number one, in academics, athletics, and stealing your significant other.
Guys: You're the Buffalo Bills of college basketball. Tone it down a bit.
Correction: This article initially stated that Butler does not have a football team. They play in FCS (Division I-AA), so — technically, Butler does have a football team.