Athlete Instagrams Ridiculous List Of Rules For Dating An Athlete

“Please them when needed :x”

1. So, J.R. Smith, he of “You Trying To Get The Pipe” fame, Instagrammed this list of rules for “dating an athlete” the other day. They are enlightening.

2. Here they are, written out for easier reading:

- always be there for them <3
- accept the fact they are always busy :(
- please them when needed :x
- don’t stress them out! o_o
- support their decisions & actions
- be they’re number 1 fan [camera] :) [clapping hands]
- massage them when they’re sore
- don’t nag at them after practice or a game
- cater to them after practice
- keep in mind your more important when you prove to them you can handle everything they do
- motivate them to do better
- & most of all love & be there for them even if they don’t succeed or fail, it’s when they need you most <3 [indecipherable smiley] [praying hands]

A few observations:

1) Instagramming the Notes app is hilarious and should be roundly encouraged.
2) “Accept the fact that they are always busy” is basically the equivalent of a Deal With It GIF.
3) “Please them when needed :x” is just so unsettling.
4) “Massage them when they’re sore” is both hilariously specific to athletes and also a weird request. Don’t you guys have professional massage therapists?
5) The use of the word “nag” kind of leaves a weird misogynistic tint to the whole thing. (Apart from the misogyny of everything else, of course.) I mean, ideally, nobody is nagging anyone, right?
6) “Cater to them.” “Sir, I’ve set up the buffet near the stairs, and there’s shrimp cocktail by the bathroom.”
7) If you follow these rules, you will be more important, so follow these rules. OK!

4. FYI: It doesn’t sound like whoever’s following these rules is looking for a girlfriend. It sounds like they’re looking for one of these:

Previously: How To Handle A Twitter Sex Scandal: NBA Weirdo Edition

h/t: Chase Hoffberger at The Daily Dot