1. Via r/NFL, take a look at this exquisite photograph, ostensibly of Peyton Manning, who’s in Hawaii for the NFL Pro Bowl.
This photo, which is about as unverified as a photo of someone can possibly be but definitely LOOKS like Peyton Manning, is a very important photo.
It is not important because it shows that Peyton Manning is out of shape, or something dumb like that. If you’re saying the photo is important for that reason, you’re bad and you should feel bad: Manning’s 36 years old and STILL might win the MVP award LESS THAN A YEAR after coming off SPINE SURGERY. He’s out of shape? No, YOU’RE OUT OF SHAPE.
Instead, this photo is important because it shows that even NFL MVPs can look totally, completely, 100% like dads.
3. Dad Characteristic #1 and #2: The visor and wraparound sunglasses.
Not a baseball cap. A visor. Which appears to at least have the Broncos’ colors underneath the brim. And those shades are Peak Dad — they may even be Oakleys.
4. Dad Characteristics #3, #4, and #5: Unapologetic shirtlessness; electronic-looking big-ass watch; cold drink.
See, Peyton Manning doesn’t give a FRICK what you think about his torso. He’s a dad; he don’t care. And that watch? It tells time, so get off his gotdam back. It tells time just as well as your fancy Rolex Roger Federer-looking watch, you fancypants Swiss clockmaster, even if it does have a Velcro strap. Whatever: Velcro’s from nature. Peyton’s got a cold drink in hand — what is it? who knows, but he’s holding it in what looks like it could be a frozen mug, because he’s a practical man — and he’s just enjoying his vacation.
5. Dad Characteristic #6: A RIDICULOUS-PRINT LONG BATHING SUIT
Yeah? You like those monkeys on Peyton’s bathing suit? Sure you do: they’re the kings of the jungle (or the veldt, or whatever), just like Peyton’s the king of his roost. They’re Cool Monkeys; he’s probably had that bathing suit for longer than you’ve been alive. And yes, it does go down to his knees: better for getting just the right kind of goofy shorts-tan.
6. Peyton Manning: Pro Bowler, MVP, Total Dad