1. Gus Frerotte vs. The Wall (9 Zambranos)
After scoring a touchdown, Gus celebrated by headbutting a wall. The wall said that if it wanted to deal with this shit, it would move to Berlin.
2. Paul O’Neill vs. The Water Cooler (8 Zs)
Paul O’Neill would habitually beat the Steinbrenner out of water coolers and dugout things. One water cooler filed a restraining order.
3. Chris Hanson vs. The Ax (4 Zs)
Chris Hanson hurt himself chopping wood in the Jaguars’ locker room, which coach Jack Del Rio kept there for motivational purposes. The ax tried to avoid the fight, but Hanson wouldn’t back off.
4. Paolo Diogo vs. The Wedding Ring (6 Zs)
Paolo Diogo jumped into the crowd to celebrate after scoring a goal. His wedding ring got caught on something and tore off his finger. The ring said they’d been moving toward a separation for months.
5. Steve Sparks vs. The Phone Book (5 Zs)
Steve Sparks tried to rip a phone book in half after being inspired by a motivational speaker and popped his shoulder from its socket. The phone book plead self-defense.
6. John Smoltz vs. The Iron (3 Zs)
John Smoltz tried to iron a shirt while he was wearing it. It was the iron’s first time, and it got a little nervous.
7. Lionel Simmons vs. The Game Boy (1 Z)
Lionel Simmons got tendonitis from playing too much Game Boy. The Game Boy knows it’s irresistible.
8. Glenn Healy vs. The Bagpipes (2 Zs)
A bagpipe aficionado, Glenn Healy cut himself while repairing an instrument. The bagpipes were grateful anyway.
9. Clarence Blethen vs. The False Teeth (5 Zs)
Clarence Blethen, a baseball player in the 1920s, carried his false teeth in his back pocket when he played. One game, he slid and they bit him in the ass. That’s just what teeth do, the teeth said. (Note: this picture is not of the baseball player Clarence Blethen, I don’t think, but that is a nice whip.)
10. Svein Grondalen vs. The Moose (10 Zs)
Soccer player Svein Grondalen RAN INTO A MOOSE. Just, straight up, with his body. The moose had been urging authorities to put up a “Moose Chilling” sign, but they kept telling her it wasn’t in the budget. (Side note: yes, a moose isn’t technically an “object”, but if it’s just standing there minding its own business, it counts.)
11. Marty Cordova vs. The Tanning Bed (9 Zs)
Marty Cordova fell asleep in a tanning bed and burned his face. The tanning bed didn’t want him sleeping there, either.
12. Glenallen Hill vs. The Dream Spider (6 Zs)
Glenallen Hill had a dream that he was swarming with spiders and fell out of bed into a glass table. The glass table tried to tell him that there was no reason for it to be next to his bed.
13. Jimmie Johnson vs. The Golf Cart (8 Zs)
Jimmie Johnson fell off the roof of a golf cart. The golf cart was like, “OH YEAH DUDE YOU CAN’T HANDLE THAT TURNING RADIUS”
14. Mark Cavendish vs. The Snowboarding Video Game (5 Zs)
Mark Cavendish fell off a snowboarding video game. Like, the snowboard element. The snowboard warned Cavendish that he wouldn’t be able to cut it.
15. Sam Torrance vs. The Yukka Tree (8 Zs)
Golfer Sam Torrance tackled a Yukka tree while sleepwalkiing. The Yukka tree played running back in high school, so it just shed him off.
16. Clint Barmes vs. The Deer Meat
A load of deer meat he was carrying caused Clint Barmes to fall down a flight of stairs. How do you think the deer meat felt?
17. Joel Zumaya vs. Guitar Hero (10 Zs)
Joel Zumaya hurt himself playing Guitar Hero. Even the guitar doesn’t know how that happened.
18. Kevin Mitchell vs. The Donut (7 Zs)
Kevin Mitchell microwaved a donut, but forgot about it, so it re-hardened. Then he bit into it and chipped his tooth. The donut had always felt insecure about being glazed instead of powdered.
19. Santiago Canizares vs. The Bottle of Cologne
Santiago Canizares dropped a bottle of cologne on his foot. The bottle of cologne’s mother had warned it that this would happen if it hung around athletes.
20. Amar’e Stoudemire vs. The Fire Extinguisher (8 Zs)
Amar’e Stoudemire punched a fire extinguisher last night. The fire extinguisher already has a dangerous job, and it didn’t sign up for this.