1. Spend more time with little kids
Children are really great to spend time with. They’re full of bon mots and laughs and they rarely judge you about what books you’ve read and whether or not you’ve seen “Breaking Bad”. Adults are so 2012.
2. It’s ok to barf if you feel like barfing
Maybe it’s because it’s cold season, but I think 2013 is the year I start listening to my body when it’s not feeling well - if I’m tired at 8pm I’m just going to go to bed at 8pm. If I wanna ralph, I’ll just ralph. The feeling of having to barf is way worse than actual barfing, right? You always feel better afterwards.
3. Touch more hamsters
Justin got himself a “tour hamster” to keep him company. I had a few pet hammies in my day, and they’re pretty decent pets if you’re too lazy to deal with a dog or cat (like me). Wonder if Justin cleans the cage himself, though?
4. Be better about staying away from germs
This photo from Justin’s Instagram shows he cares about where his tuchas sits.
I still will refuse to put toilet paper down on the seat (it’s ridiculous! you can’t get sick from this! you’re just wasting paper! if the seat is wet, just be a good citizen and wipe it down and dry it off) but I’ve always been an adherent to the 5 second rule. But no more! Purell me in 2013!
5. Call your mom more
On his Instagram, Justin posts pics of his friends hanging out with his mom. Justin is still basically a kid, so he’s always hanging out with his mom. I’m not a kid, so I’m not. But damn, Justin, you got me: I should call my mom more.
6. Finally get to those home improvements on your list
Fresh paint, installing those bookshelves, this is the year I’m going to actually do it! I swear.
7. Be more steampunk
Everyone says steampunk isn’t cool, but eff that! I’m gonna be as steampunk as I wanna be, ok? Check out how many gears my top hat has. So many gears.
8. Try not to grab your crotch
I can do it. I can resist.
9. Don’t point at your crotch
I must stop positioning hilarious signs pointing towards my nether regions.
10. Do NOT mic your crotch
This seems like a resolution I can stick with.
11. Don’t do whatever this is
I’m like 80% sure I can avoid getting myself into a situation like this. And by “situation” I mean wearing those dreadful drop-crotch pants he has on.
12. If you find someone who will put up with you, stick with them
I think we all can agree Justin is probably a huge pain in the ass in a relationship, and Selena probably got sick of him. Keep in mind Selena’s 2 years older than him; his immaturity must’ve gotten to her eventually. But they were so cute together!
Sure there’s a lot of girls out there who think they’d like to be Justin’s girlfriend, but would anyone really put up with him? Imagine you’re trying to have an important talk with him and he’d be racing segueways with that idiot clown Scooter Braun or organizing his sneaker collection. You’d just want to kill him.
Justin was smart to get back together with Selena at the end of 2012. You hold onto that girl, Justin. Hold on for 2013.
- Uber has suspended its low-cost UberPOP service in France after protests last week.
- BP has agreed to pay a $18.7 billion fine to settle legal actions over the 2010 Deepwater Horizon oil spill.
- Liberia has reported three new cases of Ebola this week. The country was declared Ebola-free on May 9.