1. I need new jeans.
2. I’m just going to buy the jeans and get out.
3. Jeans, jeans, jeans.
4. But seriously, who has a size 24 waist? A baby? My cat?
5. I guess I should try these on, but that would mean schlepping downstairs.
6. Whoa, wait. What’s this?
7. A floral baby doll dress?
8. This is so ’90s.
9. I love the ’90s.
10. This place gets me.
11. I wonder if anybody who designed this was actually a sentient being in the ’90s.
12. I bet they just watch, like, Reality Bites and Singles on an never-ending loop in the Urban offices.
13. Jesus, this dress is $78?
14. I could get something like this at a thrift store for $5.
15. But I’m lazy, so…
16. Wait, maybe I can find one of these in the sale section.
17. Which is hidden in the dank basement corner.
18. OK cool. Wait. Why is this still $39 on sale?
19. Whoa, what’s the mannequin wearing?
20. This faux-denim crinkled jumpsuit is really…something.
21. Where would you even wear that?
22. Wait, there are, like, three girls in here wearing that.
23. I bet they’re all going to the same hippie rave cave later.
24. This could be my new look for summer or something.
25. I could wear it with these crazy platforms.
26. Maybe I need to just give in and get a pair.
27. And worry about breaking my ankle later.
28. Because most of these shoes are designed for maximum ankle breakage.
29. Jeffrey Campbell is definitely a sadist.
30. And yet! I want them.
31. Everyone who works here looks so bored.
32. I wonder if they are hired specifically for their ability to cultivate that look.
33. I wonder if they could teach me their secrets.
34. Are those leggings or tights?
35. Is this a shirt or a dress? I can’t tell?
36. That girl is wearing it as a dress, but I feel like it wouldn’t cover my ass.
37. This place is really going for it with the crop tops.
38. Not exactly work-appropriate.
39. Unless you work at an Urban Outfitters.
40. And they do love a romper too.
41. Do I love a romper?
42. Maybe I’m missing out on rompers.
43. Maybe I’ve misunderstood how rompers work.
44. Except I have lady hips.
45. And an ass.
46. I feel like this would work on me if I didn’t have a torso.
47. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with my body.
48. Well, this is depressing.
49. Wait, what did I come here for again?
50. Oh, jeans.
51. Hrm. I don’t even feel like trying on clothes anymore.
52. Maybe I’ll just grab some $38 terribly embellished “festival” tank tops.
53. Or a formless goth tee to wear over my non-romper-compliant body.
54. Fuck it. I should just look at the housewares.
55. Or books. Books about penises and pugs. And pot recipes.
56. Or a decorative record player.
57. Do I need a couch? Maybe I should just re-do my whole apartment. Fuck this.
58. How is it that this maxi dress costs about the same as this couch?
59. Life do-over!
60. I’m totally in.
61. Look at all the tapestries!
62. What if I just covered my entire apartment in tapestries?
63. Wall tapestries! Bed tapestries! All the tapestries, I want ‘em!
64. Ew! Bacon popcorn!
65. Oooh, bacon popcorn!
66. Those shelves cost $80?
67. I’m pretty sure I could make them for $10 with some supplies from Home Depot.
68. But I won’t.
69. Oh Urban, you know me so well.
70. OK, I guess I should haul all this crap to the register.
71. Why is the sales clerk ignoring me?
72. I’m right here! I’m trying to spend money in your friggin’ store!
73. Oh, she’s Instagramming. Cool.
74. Oh wait, she doesn’t actually work here.
75. $271? For two pairs of jeans ON SALE? And a pair of ugly clogs? No. NO. NO. I’m putting it all back.
76. I’m getting too old for this shit.
77. I guess it’s time to start shopping at Anthropologie.