1. “Hey I wonder what happened in the NBA last night. I’ll check the box scores.”
2. “What? The terrible, atrocious, very bad, unwatchable, sad husk of a basketball team that is the Wizards beat the Miami Heat? How is that possible? Did LeBron die?”
3. “They beat the Heat even though LeBron had 26 points, 11 assists, and 13 rebounds?!”
4. “So that means Wizards star John Wall must have somehow come back from injury, right? A miraculous comeback that no one saw coming?”
5. “Oh, I know. Did The Wiz finally cut noted bonehead and atrocious point guard AJ Price and the team just instantly got better for the subtraction?”
6. “AJ Price had 14 points? Up is down. Black is white. AJ Price had a half-decent game. But that’s still not good enough to lead the Wizards past LeBron, D-Wade, and Bosh.”
7. “Wait. Did D-Wade and Bosh get lost on the way to the arena?”
8. “So Wade and Bosh played pretty well. LeBron was not only alive, but putting up a triple-double. John Wall wasn’t playing for the Wizards and AJ Price was.
9. THEN HOW IN THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN? SHORT OF THERE BEING A MIRACLE WORKER IN THE CROWD, I DON’T SEE HOW THIS COULD BE POSSIBLE.”
10. “Oh…Well…Good job, RGIII. Good job.”
- The CIA has officially—but very quietly—admitted that some allegations about its torture program were true.
- The U.S. government is suing Ferguson, Missouri, after the city tried to change a negotiated police reform settlement.
- New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has dropped out of the 2016 Republican presidential race after poor results in New Hampshire 🇺🇸