The Multiple “Controversies” Of The US Olympic Uniforms

Ranked from most to least dumb, but seriously, they’re all dumb.

Image by AP / AP

3. They’re Expensive And Preppy!

It’s true that the uniforms have a preppy bent to them, but let’s reconsider some of team USA’s previous looks: Newsies. Guys and Dolls. Who even fucking knows what’s happening here?

Olympic uniforms are ugly. That’s half the point. Remember Spain in ‘08? Scientists thought it was impossible to design something that ugly until Spain showed up in those suits. Saying you don’t like the style of an Olympic uniform is like saying you don’t like the music at a Nickelback show.

2. Berets? What Are We, French?

Yeah berets are stupid. Nobody in america wears a beret. Certainly not tough people like athletes… Oh. Damn. When was that? 2002 Olympics. Well who was in charge of the Olympics in 2002? What idiot thought that was… Oh. Okay so some athletes once wore berets in this country, but no one else! That’s for damn sure. Oh shit.

1. MADE IN CHINA?!?!?!?!

This is the most prevalent of the controversies, and on its face it almost seems like a reasonable complaint. How could we be showcasing our athletes in gear that was made in foreign countries? Who thought that was a good idea? It’s easy to hear this and start screaming for someone to be fired for this.

But before you do that, take a minute and think. Don’t just react instantly and angrily to every little thing that seems like it might be worthy of righteous indignation, actually think. If you do, you’ll remember that both our basketball players and our track and field athletes will be competing in Nike gear. Throw in the fact that our gymnasts wear Adidas, and suddenly you’ll see the hypocrisy at play here. If we don’t want to use made in China gear at the Olympics, that’s fine, but let’s not just be selective about it when it presents an easy opportunity to score political points.

Thankfully, there was no one stupid enough to conflate all three faux controversies…

Nevermind.