The Greatest Fictional Football Players Of All Time

The best of the fake best. posted on

1. Shane “Footsteps” Falco, QB — Washington Sentinels — “The Replacements”

Despite his disastrous Sugar Bowl at Ohio State, Footsteps was able to use a players strike to reclaim his place in the spotlight. The Washington Sentinels great could start for no fewer than 10 NFL teams today.

2. “Steamin’” Willie Beamin, QB — Miami Sharks — “Any Given Sunday”

A former DB from who finally got a chance to play quarterback when the Miami Sharks’ first two QBs went down, Willie Beamin became an overnight sensation. He was Michael Vick before Michael Vick, and he also starred in an awesome music video. How can you not love him?

3. Paul Crewe, QB — Mean Machine — “The Longest Yard”

Sure, he spent some quality playing years in prison, but he used that time to lead a prison team over a bunch of asshole guards. That’s the type of leadership you can’t teach. Do you think noted french trapper Blaine Gabbert could pull that off?

4. Tim Riggins, FB — Dillon Panthers — “Friday Night Lights”

Have you ever wondered what Mike Alstott would have been like if he grew up in Texas, and was an alcoholic teen? Well look no further than Rigg. He’s the only guy I’d be more comfortable starting on my fantasy team if I knew he’d been out partying with strippers the night before.

5. Becky “Icebox” O’Shea, LB — Little Giants — “Little Giants”

ICEBOX! Urbania,Ohio’s answer to Ray Lewis, O’Shea is exactly who you want in the middle of a defense. She’s got leadership skills for days and is excellent at recruiting quarterbacks. Though she does have a tendency to fall in love with them and become a cheerleader temporarily as a result. Win some, lose some.

6. Jason Street, QB — Dillon Panthers — “Friday Night Lights”

Often overlooked because of the horrific injury he suffered his senior season, Jason Street was the top quarterback prospect in the nation. Matt Saracen may have been able to lead the Panthers to a state title, but imagine how much more dominant they would have been with Street under center.

7. Rod Tidwell, WR — Arizona Cardinals — “Jerry Maguire”

Tidwell was under-appreciated in his day. It’s not hard to see why. Playing in Arizona is rarely ideal for a wide receiver (ask Larry Fitzgerald how much he’s loving it these days), and Tidwell was undersized. But the man had heart and hands. Those two things go a long way in the NFL.

8. Charlie Tweeder, WR — West Caanan Coyotes — “Varsity Blues”

A wild man off the field, but a proto-Wes Welker on it, Tweeder was a force to be reckoned with. He’d rank higher if his drinking didn’t so often get in the way of his playing. In that way, he should model his game more after Riggins.

9. Vince Howard, QB — East Dillon Lions — “Friday Night Lights”

If Vince wasn’t so short he might be the top player on this list. He had a cannon for an arm (Did you see that hail mary he threw to win State? Holy shit!), and was as mobile as any QB out there. Plus at only 18, he had all the potential in the world. Had some family troubles off the field, but they didn’t hold him back nearly as much as his height would at the next level.

10. Steve Lattimer, LB — ESU Timberwolves — “The Program”

Steroids. Steroids. Steroids. Steroids. Steroids. Tackles. Steroids. Crazy man. Steroids. James Caan was awesome in this movie.

11. Luther “Shark” Lavay, LB — Miami Sharks — “Any Given Sunday”

The Shark loses points because he’s basically Lawrence Taylor. Lawrence Taylor is not fictional. But still he did risk his life playing each week (with his neck injury a bad hit could be the end of things for Lavay), and that gets credit.

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