1. Matt Stafford — Detroit Lions
Besides being a red Solo cups and backwards hat enthusiast, Matt Stafford looks like he constantly calls everyone “bruh.” Not “bro.” Not “brah.” Always “bruh.” As in, “I don’t know what happened, we were good last year, bruh,” and “Megatron, why did you agree to be on Madden? This is all your faul, bruh.” Also he went to Georgia. Also this photo exists.
2. Matt Ryan — Atlanta Falcons
The former Boston College QB is nicknamed “Matty Ice.” And though ESPN analysts may try to convince you that he got that nickname on the field for being icy under pressure, don’t buy it. He got it at a kegger on Commonwealth Ave. after drinking too much Natural Ice.
3. Ben Roethlisberger — Pittsburgh Steelers
Obvious and sad.
4. Matt Leinart — Oakland Raiders
The above picture is basically the Matt Leinart off-season training regimen.
5. Brady Quinn — Kansas City Chiefs
His name is Brady Quinn. Brady Quinn. Just look at it. You can almost see it on a rush poster.
6. Matt Cassel — Kansas City Chiefs
If you go to any frat house in America at five in the morning on any weekend day, you will see someone sitting alone on the couch, barely holding onto consciousness as the remnants of a party wind down around him. At some point that guy will try to put on a white baseball hat with the name of his school’s mascot on it, and it will look exactly like this attempt from Matt Cassel.
7. Peyton Manning — Denver Broncos
Peyton’s like every dad who was once in a frat. He’s cool, calm, and collected now, but people keep telling you he’s actually a member, and sure enough his photo is on the wall of the entryway. Every time he sees the house he gets a little twinkle in his eye. And if you look at that twinkle close enough, you’ll see a litany of flashed breasts.
8. Jay Cutler — Chicago Bears
Jay Cutler is the type of frat guy who’s lived in the attic of the house for like twelve years. They probably call him “Cutty.” He’s the type of guy who walks around the house for months before any of the new pledges work up the nerve to talk to him. He smokes Marlboro Reds.
9. Tony Romo — Dallas Cowboys
Tony Romo wears a baseball hat at all times. He dated Jessica Simpson (the celebrity version of a sorority girl) and is married to a former local news reporter and pageant queen.
10. Ryan Tannehill — Miami Dolphins
Look at that picture and tell me it’s not the face of a guy who stands behind the frat guy who beats the shit out of people at parties and shouts, “Get him, Flooby.”
11. Cam Newton — Carolina Panthers
When he was in college Cam Newton stole a laptop and then wrote his name on it. That’s a douchey, idiotic frat move if I’ve ever heard one.
12. Tim Tebow — New York Jets
Tim’s the religious guy at the frat. He’s the type of guy who says he joined the frat for the networking and community service opportunities, but actually means it.
13. Eli Manning — New York Giants
Eli only got in because he’s someone’s little brother, and even though he’s thrown some surprisingly great parties (some say even better than his brother’s), he’ll always be the second best Manning. And kind of a goob.
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