Jerry Jones Is Too Rich To Clean His Own Glasses

When you own the Dallas Cowboys, you pay someone to follow you around, just in case you might need a wipe.

Jerry Jones is a weird dude. Besides his typical Texas Billionaire obsession with all things large (isn’t it hilarious that Texas Billionaire is an archetype?), he’s rapped, he’s had plastic surgery that seems designed to make him look even more evil than he did before, and he has spoken about his need for some glory hole. No seriously.

I honestly didn’t think Jerry could do anything to surprise me at this point, but during last night’s Cowboys—Giants opener, he raised his crazy rich man game to a whole new level. Just watch.

If I close my eyes, look south, and hope, I can almost hear Jerry’s explanation: “Jerry Jones doesn’t wipe off his own glasses. This is Cowboys Stadium not a welfare office.”

Never change, Jerry. Never change.

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