How The NFL And The Refs Finally Agreed To A Deal

This is how it (probably) happened.

David J. Phillip, File / AP

INT. A CONFERENCE ROOM IN NEW YORK CITY - LATE AFTERNOON

A giant table redolent of oak and misogyny is surrounded by lawyers for both the locked-out referees’ union and the league. In the center is ROGER GOODELL. He’s silent as those around him argue.

REF LAWYER 1
$3.3 Million.

LEAGUE LAWYER 1
That’s not true.

REF LAWYER 2
You’re going to give us shit over $3.3 million. That’s all we need to keep the pension plan as it is.

LEAGUE LAWYER 2
If we make them 401(k)s we’d be contributing millions anyway. And by the way, that $3.3 million number is not accurate.

REF LAWYER 1
This league make billions every year and all we want is three—

LEAGUE LAWYER 1
We simply do not accept that number. Your assumptions regarding the repatriated amelioration of gross discounted rev—

REF LAWYER 2
Even if the number was $50 million, you make billions of dollars on this league. The owners wipe each other’s asses and light cigars with $50 million.

LEAGUE LAWYER 1
Incorrect. It’s not the same $50 million. They aren’t using the shit-covered money to light their cigars.

LEAGUE LAWYER 2
No. Different $50 million for each activity.

Goodell continues to stare straight ahead, like a man who has been kicked in the head by a donkey.

REF LAWYER 1
Are we getting the raises or do I have to show you the tape of Green Bay-Seattle again?

REF LAWYER 2
You guys somehow found a way to make Golden Tate even LESS likable. A guy who’s named “Golden” and went to Notre Dame.

LEAGUE LAWYER 2
Actually, it’s THE University of No—

REF LAWYERS 1&2
Shut up.

REF LAWYER 2
Rudy was offsides.

LEAGUE LAWYER 1 [turning to his partner]
It’s true. You’re the worst.

ROGER GOODELL
(barely audible)
Enough.

Everyone freezes.

LEAGUE LAWYER 1
Sir?

ROGER GOODELL
Enough. Leave me be.

REF LAWYER 1
All of us?

ROGER GOODELL
Now.

They all slowly file out. Goodell is left alone. He rings a tiny bell that sits on the table in front of him. A butler brings out a covered silver platter. He dramatically removes the cover to reveal a red phone.

Goodell picks it up and holds it to his ear.

Associated Press / AP

INT. PHOENIX LAW FIRM - SAME

ED HOCHULI is doing pullups on a door frame in a full suit. He sits down to pick up a legal brief and squints at it. He is holding it upside down. The phone rings.

ED HOCHULI
Carol!

A woman enters the room, picks up the phone and places it to Ed’s ear.

ED HOCHULI
Hochuli.

ROGER GOODELL (V.O.)
New York. Let’s get this done.

ED HOCHULI
What took you so long?

ROGER GOODELL
Fuck you.

ED HOCHULI
I missed you too, Rog. On my way.

INT. A CONFERENCE ROOM IN NEW YORK CITY - ONLY AN HOUR AND A HALF LATER

Roger sits in the same chair. He drinks a Pepsi.

Suddenly the door explodes open, kicked in. Ed Hochuli stands in the door frame, framed by light.

ED HOCHULI
Sorry I’m late. The fighter pilot I hopped a ride with flew like your mother.

ROGER GOODELL
Are we going to do this?

Ed sits down across from Roger. He rolls up his sleeve.

ED HOCHULI
I’m ready when you are.

ROGER GOODELL
After 2017, and for all new hires pensions will be 401(k)s. We’ll contribute $18,000 per official but that number will go up in 2019. Plus we can hire a few new guys to slowly work into the rotation so that when your old dudes retire, we have trained replacements ready.

ED HOCHULI
Okay but average pay will go up from $149,000 to $173,000 by 2013 and $205,000 by 2019. Benefit plan remains the same through 2014 or until an official hits 20 years of service.

ROGER GOODELL
Sounds good.

ED HOCHULI
Fair enough.

Ed Hochuli puts his arm on the table to arm wrestle. Goodell stands to leave.

ED HOCHULI
I’m a lawyer, Rog! It’s not legally binding until we arm wrestle over it.

Goodell leaves. Hochuli spends eight hours arm-wrestling himself to a draw.

Fin.

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