8 Things That Will Definitely Happen In Tonight’s NCAA Championship Game

You can’t count on much in this world, but you can count on these things. Seriously. We have a time machine, so we’re positive they’re going to happen.

1. Anthony Davis’ unibrow will become sentient and block a shot. Then it will kill itself and the world will be shocked to find out that Anthony Davis is actually attractive.

LUCY NICHOLSON / Reuters

We will discover that the unibrow is the male equivalent to a ponytail and glasses.

2. Every Thomas Robinson dunk will be accompanied by an increasingly badass screams until one shatters the glass.

POOL / Reuters

And they will all be added to movie sound effect libraries.

3. Bill Self will repeatedly pretend to have never met John Calipari, giving his Jayhawks a tactical advantage as Coach Cal’s need for attention eats away at him.

AP Photos / AP

What I’m saying is Bill Self will neg Calipari. It’ll be grand.

4. The Kansas Jayhawk will attempt to kill Bill Self, only to have Bill Self’s saintly toupee kick some Jayhawk ass.

Chris Graythen / Getty Images

I know he’s the Kansas mascot, but just look at the way he’s looking at Bill. He has hate in his eyes, and murder in his heart. Something dark is under that head, and I just hope Bill Self is ready.

5. The whole tournament will turn out to have been an elaborate sting operation set up to arrest and publicly shame John Calipari.

JEFF HAYNES / Reuters

His crime? Violating the fire code in New Orleans with such a large quantity of flammable hair product.

6. Michael Kidd-Gilchrist will smile so big that his teeth will begin conquering other parts of his face. It will be disturbing.

Ronald Martinez / Getty Images

He’ll still get drafted ahead of Harrison Barnes.

7. The guy who took Derrick Rose’s SATs for him will show up looking to get his last paycheck from John Calipari, but Coach Cal will already have been arrested. It will be awkward.

Kevin C. Cox / Getty Images

Wherever he is, Derrick Rose will be unamused.

8. When Kansas upsets Kentucky, Tyshawn Taylor will go around the arena screaming “I told you” to every single person he sees, even though he’ll have never before talked to any of them. It will be awesome.

Jeff Gross / Getty Images

That’s right. The official BuzzFeed pick is Kansas over Kentucky. Deal with it.

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