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Food

The Definitive Ranking Of Vegetables From Worst To Best

The foolproof, ironclad, indisputable, authoritative guide to crap that grows in dirt.

15. Kale

JUST CALL IT WHAT IT IS: LETTUCE FOR PEOPLE WHO WENT TO COLLEGE TWICE

14. Beets

A TIME MACHINE TO THE GREAT DEPRESSION

13. Parsnips

YOU HAVE EYES.

12. Swiss Chard

SORRY YOU CAN’T STAY NEUTRAL ON SWISS CHARD: IT SUCKS

11. Cauliflower

THE ACCIDENTAL RACIST OF BROCCOLI

10. Radish

A BUNCH OF BIG RED SPERMS. HOW APPETIZING DOES THAT SOUND?

9. Eggplant

PROS: IT’S THE STEAK OF VEGETABLES. CONS: IT’S THE STEAK OF VEGETABLES.

8. Bok Choy

IT’S LIKE A SEMESTER ABROAD IN YOUR MOUTH

7. Zucchini

TASTES GOOD NO COMPLAINTS

6. Arugula

ARUGULA IS SO GOOD THE BRITISH CALL IT ROCKET, THE ITALIANS PUT IT ON PIZZA, AND REPUBLICANS HATE IT

5. Peas

THINK PEAS ARE ONLY FOR YOUR GRANDPARENTS? LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO A HOT LITTLE NUMBER CALLED WASABI.

4. Gem Lettuce

IT’S ADORABLE LITTLE LETTUCE I WANT TO SQUEEZE AND FEED IT TO BUNNIES

3. Baby Carrots

THE CANDY OF VEGETABLES, BEST FRIENDS WITH RANCH DRESSING, ADORED BY ALL

2. Tomato

“IT’S GOT SEEDS IT’S NOT A VEGETABLE” HOW ABOUT “YOU’RE A MORON IT’S A FUCKING VEGETABLE”

1. Brussels Sprouts

PROOF THAT YOU’RE A MATURE, HEALTHY, AND WELL-LIKED ADULT: YOU LOVE BRUSSEL SPROUTS. CONGRATULATIONS.

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