12 Ridiculous But Awesome Things Football Teams Should Buy

Free agency gives certain teams serious spending power. These are just a few of the possibilities. Brought to you by Jim Beam® Bourbon.

12. Tampa Bay could buy 4,592,876,777 lady bugs with their $23,675,539.

stevendamron / CC BY http://2.0 / Via Flickr: sadsnaps

Which are currently on sale for the bargain price of $7.99 for “approximately 1,550” bugs. They could unleash the bugs to confuse opponents while Glennon attempts to complete a pass.

ID: 2602886

11. Baltimore could buy 9,770 African ravens with their $24,425,100…

Mike_fleming / CC BY-SA http://2.0 / Flickr: 33174580@N00


…to join their existing mascot, creating a massive flock that would descend on the stadium before each game like an evil cloud of death. As for away games, well…

ID: 2603513

10. Denver could paste 49 of these bumper stickers on every car in Seattle* with their $24,988,429.

*Computed using Seattle’s individual daily commuters and this custom bumper sticker printing rate.

ID: 2603650

9. Cincinnati could black out ALL political ads in Ohio during the next presidential debate with their $26,850,957…

…and then pay $7 million for a custom episode of The Simpsons to play during the airtime.

ID: 2603978

8. Green Bay could purchase 59 acres of land outside the city and build a roller coaster on it with their $29,338,930…

…that would be free and open to the public, of course. State-of-the-art steel coasters in the “extreme” class only cost $20 million. So… what are they waiting for?

ID: 2604670

7. New York could buy eight decommissioned fighter jets then train their entire roster to fly them with their $31,775,558.

roberthuffstutter / CC BY http://2.0 / Via Flickr: 29528454@N04

It’s high time we took that mascot seriously.

ID: 2604875

6. Miami could buy three 110-foot yachts with their $33,948,273.

ozz13x / CC BY http://2.0 / Via Flickr: 24931020@N02

Plus a year of dock fees at a Miami marina. Then they could throw a tri-yacht party for fans with their $2.5 million in leftover cash, which would cover 51,344 bottles of champagne.

ID: 2603440

5. Indianapolis could buy every horse in the USA a new pair of shoes with their $37,514,024.

BLM Nevada / CC BY http://2.0 / Via Flickr: blmnevada

And then buy 30,000 acres of grazing pasture in Nevada for them to roam free on.

ID: 2605023

4. Minnesota could buy a decommissioned Greek landing craft with their $41,250,093…

charlo.be / CC BY http://2.0 / Flickr: 7520196@N08

mararie / CC BY-SA http://2.0 / Flickr: mararie


…and battle-ready Viking armor, broadswords, and axes for their entire roster, send them to a medieval combat class, contract a mission supply specialist from the U.S. Army, purchase rations, fuel, and supplies, then send the team on an off-season adventure to reconquer (old) England.

ID: 2605197

3. Cleveland could buy 213,053,083 cups of brown dye with their $49,218,350…

Matthew Simoneau / CC BY http://2.0 / Flickr: matthewsim / Erik Daniel Drost / CC BY http://2.0 / Flickr: edrost88

…which they could use to dye Lake Erie brown, or any number of smaller, less significant lakes extremely dark brown.

ID: 2605932

2. Jacksonville could rebuild the Jaguar supercomputer and run it for a year with their $51,873,848.

NASA Goddard Space Flight Center / CC BY http://2.0 / Via Flickr: 35278629@N08

During this time, Jaguar could use its 25 teraflops to calculate the perfect free-agent strategy for next season.

ID: 2606176

1. And Oakland could buy a U.S. soccer franchise with their $63,783,470.

stevendepolo / CC BY http://2.0 / Via Flickr: stevendepolo

The league is expanding, and existing teams are valued at less than Oakland’s mighty cap space. Maybe soccer is a bright future for Oakland?

ID: 2603128

If all these cities pooled their cash, they could buy every U.S. citizen 21+ a drink with their $438,642,571.

We’ll toast to that.

ID: 2638499

All cap data current as of March 10, 2014

Jim Beam® is a registered trademark of Jim Beam Brands Co. and is used with permission.
Jim Beam® Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey, 40% Alc./Vol. ©2014 James B. Beam Distilling Co., Clermont, KY

ID: 2611822

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