12. Tampa Bay could buy 4,592,876,777 lady bugs with their $23,675,539.
Which are currently on sale for the bargain price of $7.99 for “approximately 1,550” bugs. They could unleash the bugs to confuse opponents while Glennon attempts to complete a pass.
11. Baltimore could buy 9,770 African ravens with their $24,425,100…
…to join their existing mascot, creating a massive flock that would descend on the stadium before each game like an evil cloud of death. As for away games, well…
10. Denver could paste 49 of these bumper stickers on every car in Seattle* with their $24,988,429.
9. Cincinnati could black out ALL political ads in Ohio during the next presidential debate with their $26,850,957…
…and then pay $7 million for a custom episode of The Simpsons to play during the airtime.
8. Green Bay could purchase 59 acres of land outside the city and build a roller coaster on it with their $29,338,930…
…that would be free and open to the public, of course. State-of-the-art steel coasters in the “extreme” class only cost $20 million. So… what are they waiting for?
7. New York could buy eight decommissioned fighter jets then train their entire roster to fly them with their $31,775,558.
It’s high time we took that mascot seriously.
6. Miami could buy three 110-foot yachts with their $33,948,273.
Plus a year of dock fees at a Miami marina. Then they could throw a tri-yacht party for fans with their $2.5 million in leftover cash, which would cover 51,344 bottles of champagne.
5. Indianapolis could buy every horse in the USA a new pair of shoes with their $37,514,024.
And then buy 30,000 acres of grazing pasture in Nevada for them to roam free on.
4. Minnesota could buy a decommissioned Greek landing craft with their $41,250,093…
…and battle-ready Viking armor, broadswords, and axes for their entire roster, send them to a medieval combat class, contract a mission supply specialist from the U.S. Army, purchase rations, fuel, and supplies, then send the team on an off-season adventure to reconquer (old) England.
3. Cleveland could buy 213,053,083 cups of brown dye with their $49,218,350…
…which they could use to dye Lake Erie brown, or any number of smaller, less significant lakes extremely dark brown.
2. Jacksonville could rebuild the Jaguar supercomputer and run it for a year with their $51,873,848.
During this time, Jaguar could use its 25 teraflops to calculate the perfect free-agent strategy for next season.
1. And Oakland could buy a U.S. soccer franchise with their $63,783,470.
The league is expanding, and existing teams are valued at less than Oakland’s mighty cap space. Maybe soccer is a bright future for Oakland?
If all these cities pooled their cash, they could buy every U.S. citizen 21+ a drink with their $438,642,571.
We’ll toast to that.
All cap data current as of March 10, 2014
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