Style

72 Thoughts Every Lady Has While Trying On Swimsuits

“Hi, my name is Every Woman Ever and my boobs and butt are NOT the same size.”

1. OMG SUMMER!!!!
2. It’s summer!
3. Squeeeeeeeeee!
4. (OK, so it’s April.)
5. But that’s basically summer.
6. I can’t wait to wear bathing suits all the time.
7. I’m going to get so tan this year.
8. I’m going to wear a bathing suit under all my clothes so I can just go to the pool whenever I want.
9. I’m actually going to go to the beach this year.
10. Beach parties, here I come!
11. I just have to get a cute new suit.
12. I feel like this is my day. I’m going to find THE suit.
13. There are so many cute styles here.
14. Is it pronounced TANK-eenie?
15. It’s not actually very eenie.
16. THIS one is eenie, omg.
17. I have more parts than that would cover.
18. Maybe I’ll go crazy and get TWO.
19. Treat myself.
20. Hi, I have 47 items to try on.
21. Is that over the limit?
22. Why does ONE bathing suit count as TWO items, that’s dumb.
23. OK, this bikini is real cute.
24. If it fits, I don’t even care how much it is. I’m getting it.
25. Oh.
26. No.
27. This is not my style.
28. Or color.
29. Or size.

30. That’s not a muffin top, that’s the whole muffin.
31. Did I accidentally get a child’s size?
32. That’s OK, I have so many more.
33. This one would be great if my legs and my neck were the same size.
34. Next.
35. Next.
36. Remember that show Next?
37. That show was messed up.
38. This one-shoulder thing is also messed up.
39. Where does this strap even go?
40. How am I supposed to tie this crap behind by own back.
41. I’m not an acrobat.
42. I bet acrobats never have problems finding bathing suits.
43. Aaaand this one doesn’t even fit over my legs.
44. That would be OK if I could amputate my entire torso.
45. Yiiiikes.
46. More like HALT HER.
47. “Hi, my name is Every Woman Ever and my boobs and butt are NOT the same size.”
48. This vintage high-waisted one will be it. I can feel it.
49. These are flattering on everyone…
50. …except me, apparently.
51. Why is there a cutout there?
52. That’s literally the worst thing I’ve ever seen.

53. Just say no to skin-tight horizontal stripes.
54. Maybe it’s just the lighting?
55. Are there nighttime beach parties?
56. This lighting is the actual worst.
57. Even Beyoncé would look rough in this lighting.
58. Hahahaha JK. ILU Bey.
59. Welp, I’m glad one-pieces are back in.
60. One pieces are totally sexy.
61. Oh, god.
62. WHO SIZED THESE THINGS?
63. WHO EVEN INVENTED BATHING SUITS?
64. I have some choice words for them.
65. Can I just swim in jeans?
66. Beach jeans are a thing right?
67. That sounds pretty normcore.
68. Oh god, I’m chafing just thinking about it.
69. Chafing is definitely normcore.
70. Now that I think about it, the bathing suit I have is great.
71. I’m never doing this again.
72. I miss winter :(

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