1. Wanda gave up trying to marry for love and just married for hotness.
2. Bob said he couldn’t come to your birthday party because his mom was in town, but he really just wanted to lie on the couch wolfing Funyuns.
3. Maybe Edward will just live at home forever.
4. Sheila would ask for a raise, but her boss would probably just say no anyway.
5. Shhh, Jake’s last tweet was just an old Rob Delaney joke.
6. Rufus “didn’t get” your text message, his phone “must be broken.”
7. Foursquare just informed Steve he’s been at a bar twelve weeks in a row, and he was like, “no shit.”
8. Richard wrote a thinkpiece about how much “Girls” sucks but MegaVideoed all of season two on Saturday night.
9. Victoria wore leggings as pants today. And yesterday.
10. Francis Seamlesses from restaurants that are literally a block away.
11. Lily gives her new OKCupid relationship 4 to 6 weeks, tops, but whatever.
12. Why would Corrie go to the gym when there are so many episodes of “Walking Dead” in her DVR?
- Protesters marched in Chicago for the second night in a row after the release of a video showing the police shooting of black teen Laquan McDonald. ›
- Frank Gifford's family says the NFL star had CTE, the degenerative brain disease linked to football. He died in August. ›
- And President Obama actually made his daughters laugh at the annual White House turkey pardon. ›