1. Wanda gave up trying to marry for love and just married for hotness.
2. Bob said he couldn’t come to your birthday party because his mom was in town, but he really just wanted to lie on the couch wolfing Funyuns.
4. Sheila would ask for a raise, but her boss would probably just say no anyway.
6. Rufus “didn’t get” your text message, his phone “must be broken.”
7. Foursquare just informed Steve he’s been at a bar twelve weeks in a row, and he was like, “no shit.”
8. Richard wrote a thinkpiece about how much “Girls” sucks but MegaVideoed all of season two on Saturday night.
9. Victoria wore leggings as pants today. And yesterday.
10. Francis Seamlesses from restaurants that are literally a block away.
11. Lily gives her new OKCupid relationship 4 to 6 weeks, tops, but whatever.
12. Why would Corrie go to the gym when there are so many episodes of “Walking Dead” in her DVR?
In The News Today
- Israeli officials have authorized police to seal off parts of Jerusalem after a wave of stabbings by Palestinians. ›
- The U.S. Democratic presidential candidates had their first debate of the 2016 election cycle on Tuesday night ?? ›
- The Chicago Cubs have defeated the St. Louis Cardinals to advance to the National League Championship Series ⚾️ ›