1.
"i have good news & bad news" wife: bad news 1st "the washing machine broke" wife: and the good news? "the dogs are clean AF"
2.
Me: who’s a good boy? Dog: ME ME MEMEME I AM I’M A GOOD BOY ME YES ME YES YES YES Cat: *removes one earbud* what
3.
[1st date] Maybe next time i could meet your dog [2nd date] Your dog is so cool [3rd date] Do u mind if me & your dog hung out without you
4.
THERAPIST: what's the problem? MY DOG: *looks at me* this fucker right here pretends to throw stuff ME: MY DOG: *mocking voice* go get it
5.
"God, I hope she likes me." - me preparing to meet a dog
6.
Sometimes when i feel sad&lonely i pretend i am walking an invisible dog & she is peeing on everyone & they dont know oh they dont even know
7.
Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.
8.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color...is it...gray? [OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
9.
*Dogs on coffee break* Dog 1: Heard a great joke. Dog 2: Oh yeah? Dog 1: Knock kn- *Dog 2 goes fuckin' nuts*
10.
"Why is a good boy?" - dog philosopher
11.
"can i see ur phone" uh ok one sec
12.
Most of being a dog owner is yelling WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR MOUTH
13.
"Can I pet your dog?" Sure, his bark's worse than his bite [dog bites three fingers off] "WHAT THE" [dog barks so hard the sun explodes]
14.
U don't even need a dog to go to the dog park. U can just go & play w/ the dogs and if someone asks which one's yours u can say "haha, yeah"
15.
911: What's your emergency ME: My dog think he slick
16.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie U other breeders can't deny When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
17.
"Hey, maybe our dogs should stop having sex for a minute" - no one in 101 Dalmatians apparently
18.
DOG VIOLINIST: if the conductor doesnt throw that stick im gonna lose my fuckin mind
19.
[First date] Her: I'm really glad you asked me out yesterday in the park Me: *looking under table* you didn't bring your dog?
20.
Sorry I wasn't listening when you were talking about your dog. I was busy looking in my phone for a picture of my superior dog.
21.
"You bought the wrong dog food, he hates this kind!" said my wife of our dog who once literally ate another dog's puke.
22.
[Dog talking to his psychiatrist] "Honestly? I don't even know who's a good boy anymore"
23.
"Can I pet your dog?" Sure *petting* "This isn't working out" I'm sorry? "Let's talk custody" He's my dog "That's for a judge to decide"
24.
*throws stick* It’s funny how dogs get fixated on pointless things *phone buzzes* OMG someone retweeted me