1. “What’re you doing after work?”
Sure, I could go for a quick drink.
2. “Next round’s on me!”
I can stay for a little longer. Breaking Bad doesn’t even start for another hour.
3. “This is my song!”
And so is this! And so is this! These are all my songs and they’re all about me!
4. “Uh-oh, it’s selfie o’clock.”
You know what looks better in sepia? EVERYTHING.
5. “I am best friends with the bartender.”
HE GETS ME AND I GET HIM AND WE ARE SOULMATES.
6. “I AM BEST FRIENDS WITH EVERYONE IN THE BAR.”
This is my new family. Sorry, old, lame family.
7. “Phew, what time is it?”
I’m good just…. just let me rest my eyes for, like, seven to eight hours.
8. “Knock knock — who’s there?”
SECOND WIND, BABY. I AM ENERGIZED AND INVINCIBLE AND I’M GONNA LIVE FOREVER.
9. “I’m hungry. Who’s hungry?”
I.e. I’m fixing to order enough cheese fries to feed a literal orphanage and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.
10. “Initiating food coma in T-minus 3… 2…”
EITHER CALL ME A CAB OR READ ME A STORY BECAUSE BEDTIME IS IMMINENT.
11. “Is that the sun? It can’t be the sun.”
Check your watch, dude. It’s definitely the sun.