12 Gifts You’re Glad Won’t Fit Into A Stocking

Not all big surprises are good surprises. But if you receive one of these gems, have no fear! Just post them on the Jack Daniel’s website and maybe win yourself an amazing holiday sweater.

1. A 12-pound bag of fiber:

For the gift that says, “I know you’ve been having tons of trouble with your digestion.”

2. 32 ounces of wolf urine:

Perfect for keeping deer and human interaction away.

3. Anything inside a Japanese Puzzle Box:

Because after you’ve unwrapped a present, you want to spend hours trying to navigate a wooden box.

4. A 12-pound bag of bones:

 

5. An inflatable tube man:

Great for parties! Bad for people thinking you run a used car dealership.

6. Portable potty:

For the gift that says, “Seriously, I’m really concerned about your digestion.”

7. A life-sized standup poster of a cow:

All the thrill of the outdoors with none of the mooing.

8. A Badonkadonk Land Cruiser:

 

Because there’s nothing better than hearing, “Santa brought you something that’s probably not street legal.”

9. A Mobile Blastmaster:

This present is perfect for people who never, ever want to be ignored. Ever.

10. 32-book Encyclopedia Britannica set:

Outdated technology. How special!

11. Buying someone fake Twitter followers:

turtleteeth / via: Shutterstock (birds) / Via Michael Coghlan / CC BY-SA 2.0 / Flickr: 89165847@N00

It’s a digital construct — and it’s cheating! Hooray.

12. A huge hunk of anthracite coal:

antoni halim / Via Shutterstock

Because when Santa wants to make a point, he doesn’t hold back.

If you’ve gotten something this big and bad, it could win you a Jack Daniel’s holiday sweater:

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