1. A 12-pound bag of fiber:
For the gift that says, “I know you’ve been having tons of trouble with your digestion.”
2. 32 ounces of wolf urine:
Perfect for keeping deer and human interaction away.
3. Anything inside a Japanese Puzzle Box:
Because after you’ve unwrapped a present, you want to spend hours trying to navigate a wooden box.
4. A 12-pound bag of bones:
Your very own assortment of human anatomy.
5. An inflatable tube man:
Great for parties! Bad for people thinking you run a used car dealership.
6. Portable potty:
For the gift that says, “Seriously, I’m really concerned about your digestion.”
7. A life-sized standup poster of a cow:
All the thrill of the outdoors with none of the mooing.
8. A Badonkadonk Land Cruiser:
Because there’s nothing better than hearing, “Santa brought you something that’s probably not street legal.”
9. A Mobile Blastmaster:
This present is perfect for people who never, ever want to be ignored. Ever.
10. 32-book Encyclopedia Britannica set:
Outdated technology. How special!
11. Buying someone fake Twitter followers:
It’s a digital construct — and it’s cheating! Hooray.