1. G.I. Joe vs. Team America World Police
PICK: Team America
G.I. Joe has one weakness: They don’t like to kill anyone. Team America has no such compunctions.
2. Care Bears vs. My Little Pony
PICK: Care Bears
The ponies have the magic of friendship on their side, but the bears can “stare” deadly lasers out of their bellies. Terrifying!
3. Destiny’s Child vs. TLC
Not even close. Not only will Lisa Lopes burn down a house without blinking a left eye, but remember the “Waterfalls” video? All three ladies can cloak like the Predator.
4. Voltron vs. Megazord
We’ll say it: They’re kind of the same guy.
5. Beacontown Beavers (from Teen Wolf) vs. Super Globetrotters
PICK: Super Globetrotters
The Beavers, like the old Cleveland Cavaliers, are a one-wolfman team. Get that guy in foul trouble early, and the ‘Trotters don’t even need to use their superpowers. And yes, they all have superpowers.
6. Transformers vs. Go Bots
7. The Illuminati vs. Men In Black
Neither of these groups exist. Shhhhh.
8. Jem and the Holograms vs. Josie and the Pussycats
PICK: Jem and the Holograms
Bonus points to the Pussycats for Valerie, the first African American character in Saturday morning cartoon history. But it’s not gonna be enough because Jem is truly outrageous. Truly, truly, TRULY outrageous.
9. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles vs. Wu Tang Clan
PICK: Wu Tang Clan
EPIC battle: Ninjitsu vs. Shaolin! Splinter vs. Rza! The sewers vs. Staten Island! Ultimately, though, expect the Wu Tang Killa Bees to swarm, as Leonardo and pals signed their own death warrant when they teamed up with Vanilla Ice. Tiger style!