• 1. “She Bop” Cyndi Lauper

    “Do I wanna go out with a lions roar/Huh, yea, I wanna go south and get me some more/Hey, they say that a stitch in time saves nine/They say I better stop, or Ill go blind/Oop, she bop, she bop”

  • 2. “Longview” Green Day

    “When masturbation’s lost its fun/You’re fucking lazy/Bite my lip and close my eyes
    Take me away to paradise/I’m so damn bored/I’m going blind”

  • 3. “Turning Japanese” The Vapors

    “This I’ve got your picture, I’ve got your picture/I’d like a million of you all round my cell/I want a doctor to take your picture/So I can look at you from inside as well/You’ve got me turning up and turning down/And turning in and turning ‘round/I’m turning Japanese, I think I’m turning Japanese”

  • 4. “I Don’t Need A Man” The Pussycat Dolls

    “I don’t need a man to make it happen/I get off being free/I don’t need a man to make me feel good/I get off doing my thing/I don’t need a ring around my finger/To make me feel complete”
    So let me break it down/I can get off when you ain’t around”

  • 5. “Holiday Song” The Pixies

    “He took his sister from his bed and he painted her on the sheets/This ain’t no holiday/’Cause it always turns out this way/Here I am with my hand”

  • 6. “Doin’ Laundry” Nerf Herder

    “I was thinking of you when I jerked off into my sock last night/I was thinking of you when I jerked off into my sock/I was thinking of you, I wish I had more than two/’Cause I can’t find anything else to do”

  • 7. “Severed Lips” Dinosaur Jr.

    “I never knew a rubber doll/Would be so hard to please/Now I’m reachin’ out
    One last burst before I retract/No one will know until I finally let go/Of the one thing I ain’t gonna never get back/I wanna help you/Baby, can’t you see?/You’re better than my pillow/’Cos you don’t stain so easily, oh no”

  • 8. “If” Janet Jackson

    “How many nights I’ve laid in bed excited over you/I’ve closed my eyes and thought of us/A hundred different ways/I’ve gotten there so many times”

  • 9. “Rosie” Jackson Browne

    “Rosie, you’re all right, you wear my ring/When you hold me tight, Rosie, that’s my thing/When you turn out the light I got to hand it to me/Looks like it’s me and you again tonight, Rosie”

  • 10. “Every Day I Die” Gary Numan

    “Obscene dreams in/Rusty beds/No one came here/Tonight I pulled on me/I need to/I unstick pages and read/I look at pictures of you/I smell the lust in my hands/Everyday I die”

  • 11. “Muscle of Love” Alice Cooper

    “I read Dad’s books like I did before/Now things are crystal clear/Lock the door in the bathroom now/I just can’t get caught in here/I got a muscle of love/Holy muscle of love”

  • 12. “The Stroke” Billy Squier

    “Stroke me, stroke me/Stroke me, stroke me/Say you’re a winner, but man you’re just a sinner now”

  • 13. “Be My Girl (Sally)” The Police

    “She came all wrapped in cardboard, all pink and shriveled down/A breath of air was all she needed to make her lose that frown/I took her to the bedroom and pumped her with some life”

  • 14. “Thinking About You” Radiohead

    “Been thinking about you, and there’s no rest/Shit, I still love you, still see you in bed/But I’m playing with myself, and what do you care”

  • 15. “Fingers” Pink

    “When it’s late at night and you’re fast asleep/I let my fingers do the walking/I press record I become a fiend/And no one else is watching/I let my fingers do the walking”

  • 16. “Jizzlobber” Faith No More

    “I hide the dirty minutes under my dirty mattress and they are making me itch/My time
    is spilt milk”

  • 17. “Homemade” Sebadoh

    “Sittin’ around with my homemade bone/I’m naked and loose when no one’s home/And I may let my fingers roam/Juicing free on my holy bone”

  • 18. “M&M’s” Blink 182

    “My love life was getting so bland/There are only so many ways I can make love with my hand”

  • 19. “Pink Thing” XTC

    “Anytime you rise, I’m here/And I’m crazy for you pink thing/You make me want to laugh/You make me want to cry/When I stroke your head I feel a hundred heartbeats high”

  • 20. “Strokin’” Clarence Carter

    “I stroke it to the east/And I stroke it to the west/And I stroke it to the woman that I love the best, huh/I be strokin’/I be strokin’/I stroke it to the north/I stroke it to the south/I stroke it everywhere/I even stroke it with my…WOO!”

  • 21. “It’s Only Me” Barenaked Ladies

    “I’m not antisocial, and it’s nothing that’s reproachful/It’s just natural/It’s only me/I can’t think of anybody else I’d rather spend some one on one time with/It’s not that hard to see/It’s only me”

  • 22. “Captain Jack” Billy Joel

    “Your sister’s gone out, she’s on a date/You just sit at home and masturbate/Your phone is gonna ring soon, but you just can’t wait”

  • 23. “Auto-Manipulator” Crispin Glover

    “Women are sweet/And girls are honey/But beat your meat and save your money/I’m an auto-manipulator/I play with myself/I’m a masturbator”

  • 24. “Billy Liar” The Decemberists

    “Billy Liar’s got his hands in his pockets/Staring over at the neighbor’s, knickers down/He’s got his knickers down”

  • 25. “Coin-Operated Boy” The Dresden Dolls

    “I’m dying to lose it/Want it/I want you/I want a coin operated boy/And if I had a star to wish on/For my life I cant imagine/Any flesh and blood could be his match/I can even take him in the bath”

  • 26. “Vibrator” Electric Six

    “She don’t, she don’t, she don’t need no vibrator/She don’t, she don’t, she don’t need no electric entertainer, tuna investigator…She don’t, she don’t, she don’t need no vibrator/She don’t, she don’t, she don’t need no artificial stimulator, non-organic excavator “

  • 27. “I Touch Myself” Divinyls

    “I don’t want anybody else/And when I think about you I touch myself/Ooh, ooh, ooh, aah”

  • 28. “Darling Nikki” Prince

    “I knew a girl named Nikki/I guess you could say she was a sex fiend/I met her in a hotel lobby/Masturbating with a magazine/She said ‘How’d you like to waste some time?’/And I could not resist when I saw little Nikki grind”

  • 29. “Icicle” Tori Amos

    “And when my hand touches myself/I can finally rest my head/And when they take from his body/I think I’ll take from mine instead/Getting off, getting off while they’re all downstairs”

  • 30. “Dancing With Myself” Billy Idol

    “When there’s no one else in sight/In the crowded lonely night/Well I wait so long/For my love vibration/And I’m dancing with myself”

  • 31. “Blister In The Sun” Violent Femmes

    “Let me go on, like I blister in the sun/Let me go on, big hands I know your the one/Body and beats, I stain my sheets/I don’t even know why”

  • 32. “Praying Hands” Devo

    “You got your left hand/You got your right hand/The left hand’s diddling/While the right hand goes to work”

  • 33. “My Ding-A-Ling” Chuck Berry

    “When I was little boy in grammar school/Always went by the very best rule/But every time the bell would ring/You’d catch me playing with my ding-a-ling”

  • 34. “Orgasm Addict” The Buzzcocks

    “Well you tried it just for once found it all right for kicks/But now you found out that it’s a habit that sticks/And you’re an orgasm addict, you’re an orgasm addict/Sneaking in the back door with dirty magazines/Now your mother wants to know what all those stains on your jeans”

  • 35. “Oops (Oh My)” Tweet, Featuring Missy Elliot

    “I looked over to the left/I was looking so good I couldn’t reject myself/I looked over to the left/I was feeling so good I had to touch myself/I looked over to the left/I was eyein’ my thighs, butter pecan brown/I looked over to the left/Comin’ outta my shirt and then the skirt came down”

  • 36. “Pictures Of Lily” The Who

    “Pictures of Lily made my life so wonderful/Pictures of Lily helped me sleep at night/Pictures of Lily solved my childhood problems/Pictures of Lily helped me feel alright”

  • 37. “St. Swithin’s Day” Billy Bragg

    “With my own hands/When I make love to your memory/It’s not the same/I miss the thunder, I miss the rain”

  • 38. “The Keys To Her Ferrari” Thomas Dolby

    “Little rivers of anticipation ran down my inseam/As I kicked those 500 Italian horses into life and left reality behind me/50, 60, 70 miles an hour/My hand slipped inside the belt of my trousers/As we hit 80, 90 miles an hour/And as we passed the magic 100 my love exploded/All over her bright pink leather interior/And at that moment, I thought of my mother”

  • 39. “Pump It Up” Elvis Costello

    “Down in the pleasure centers/Hell bent or heaven sent/Listen to the propaganda/Listen to the latest slander/There’s nothing underhand/That she wouldn’t understand/Pump it up until you can feel it/Pump it up when you don’t really need it”

  • 40. “Touch Of My Hand” Britney Spears

    “Cause I just discovered/Imagination’s taken over/Another day without a lover/The more I come to understand the touch of my hand/The small of my back/The arch of my feet/Lately I’ve been noticing the beautiful me/I’m all in my skin and I’m not gonna wait/I’m into myself in a most precious way”