1. Paint your staples gold.
A subtle way to say, “If you don’t give me an A+ on this 8 page paper, my FILTHY RICH father will make sure you never teach in this town AGAIN.”
2. Recycle used bottles and cans by making them look like porcelain vases.
“Oh that? Just a family heirloom passed down from last Tuesday when my grandmother ate a can of soup.”
Get texture by using puffy paint and then spray with matte spray paint. Instructions here.
3. Sew a reusable lunch bag out of faux gold leather.
“Anyone wanna trade a jar of caviar for some escargot?”
Learn how to make it here.
(Granted, if you have a job that requires business cards there is a good chance you can afford to not do this yourself.)
5. Build these gold animal bookends.
“Let’s go check out a book from the library. The library in our house. You know, in the north wing.”
6. You can also gild a basic wood bookcase.
“I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich gold painted plywood.”
7. Gild some jars.
“Jeeves, I’ll take my tea with milk and a spoonful of 14 karat.”
8. Place a dish of Hershey’s Nuggets in your home to create the illusion that you’ve got a bunch of miniature bars of gold to share.
“It’s SO important to detox yourself from material items every once in awhile.”
9. Paint a tabletop to give it a faux marble effect.
“You mean to tell me that there are people who DON’T eat their morning truffled croissant off of marble surfaces?”
10. Make a decorative map using a canvas and imitation gold leaf.
“The gold areas indicate all of the places I’ve traveled to on my PRIVATE JET.”
11. Gild a secondhand bedside table.
“I love waking up next to my one true love every morning: semi-precious metal.”
12. Monogram your wallet with some acrylic paint.
“Hi, yes, I’d like the initials ‘GP.’ That stands for Gwyneth…”
13. Craft some golden statement jewelry.
This necklace says, “I’m giving my diamonds the night off.”
14. Transform an old headboard by reupholstering with velvet.
“Ah the perfect complement to my bald eagle feather stuffed bed. Time for champagne kisses and CAVIAR DREAMS.”
15. Spray paint bricks to turn them into mock solid gold bookends.
“We just have SO MUCH gold, I decided I might as well put it to good use.”
16. Make these stunning reusable geode corks.
“What is even the POINT of saving all of this leftover alcohol when we’ve got dozens of cases more in our diamond-encrusted liquor vault?”
17. Give yourself a gold leaf manicure.
“I like my nails how I like my men: covered in gold, but also very delicate and frail.”
In-depth instructions here.
18. Create a handy tote bag version of a designer handbag.
“Ah, the perfect way to carry your groceries from the deliveryman to your subzero pantry!”
19. Paint the back of your heels red to mimic a pair of Christian Louboutins.
Unless, of course, you’re Martha.
20. If you want the Louboutin look, don’t want to commit to altering your shoes, paint your nails like this.
BUSINESS IN THE FRONT, CHAMPAGNE YACHT PARTY IN THE BACK.
21. Turn the edges of your hardback books gold.
“Hey, can you pass me my gilded copy of The White Man’s Burden?”
22. Make your version of a Cartier Love bracelet.
“Love means buying someone high end material goods until they feel obligated to go out with you.”