A Florida State Basketball Player’s Official Bio Is 15,000 Words Long

Florida State’s Michael Snaer is only 22, but his career highlights are novella-length.

1. Here’s Michael Snaer, the 22-year-old senior who leads Florida State in scoring. Tonight, he faces No. 3 Miami (FL).

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Fans looking to learn about the suddenly-relevant Hurricanes’ opponent tonight might think, “hey, maybe I’ll read up about these Seminoles on their official website.”

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3. Here’s hoping they started on the bio days ago, since it checks in at a brain-melting 15,091 words.

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Buckle your seat belts, kids. This could take a while.

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4. First up, RECORD WATCH, which clocks in at a measly 257 words. Surely, we can do better.

Note the insane expectations of the opening line.

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5. The general bio section, ON SNAER, comes in at 1,012 words. Now we’re cooking with gas.

Earning a degree in “just four years”? Impressive.

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6. Snaer’s AS A JUNIOR section is 4,830 words, the typical length of a magazine feature story.

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7. Snaer averaged 8.8 points per game during his sophomore year. This section is 4,540 words.


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8. Another 4,015 words for Snaer’s freshman year, when he was FSU’s third-leading scorer? Sure.

It’s always helpful when athletes announce their intentions of desire to be great players. Takes the guesswork out of it.

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9. Mercifully, Snaer’s high school years and other personal info only require 437 words.

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10. Congrats if you made it all the way to the end …

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11. … even if your brain now feels like this. (You’re not alone.)

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h/t Caitlin Kelly/Dan Hodes

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