1. First and foremost, we have all prepared or are currently preparing to meet our “soulmate.”
Getting dressed up for Home Depot is a necessary evil.
2. We know that somewhere in the cracks and crevices of this planet lies a person who’s only slightly less funny than us and makes excellent guacamole.
We will wait for you.
3. And if we don’t find that person soonish, at least 15 years, it’s fine. We can take care of ourselves while we keep waiting.
4. Not to get nit-picky but kissing is actually a hobby. It should be in a separate category like cat fishing* or collecting thimbles.
The real or virtual kind.
6. Everyone here agrees that making new friends actually involves witchery or a payment plan of some sort.
7. And a BFF is just that dog who can’t stop staring at your Lean Cuisine.
8. While out, we all want to order another alcoholic beverage on top of the other alcoholic beverages we’ve just finished. So, we do.
9. No one can judge us but ourselves, the next day, when we remember we ate cheese off the floor.
10. Hey, we’ll reflect on our lives and continue doing what we’ve been doing. We’re older now, that behavior is here to stay.
12. We treat our personal issues, whether large or nonexistent, with the utmost importance.
13. Nothing is worth not discussing in considerable detail.
14. We can also spend equal amounts of time mulling over situations that probably won’t happen.
15. Or probably will happen, someday. Far, far away. When we’re financially ready and emotionally prepared.
16. Even faulty internet streaming can ruin our week or year, depending on the quality of TV entertainment.
17. But more about Netflix: It’s important to buy clothing that can withstand a 72-hour binge and an excess of unidentifiable food crumbs.
18. Or the fact that working out requires measures we’d rather not discuss or discuss in length, depending on our mood.
20. We can all acknowledge that whoever invented winter leisure activities involving water should rot in the armpits of Hell.
Cheers to all of us, Mindy Kalings everywhere!
- A judge halted all eight scheduled executions in Arkansas. Inmates are challenging a law allowing the state to keep the source of its execution drugs a secret. ›