1. You will be greeted by tan, dewy goddesses — who also happen to be super-helpful.
2. You will be outfitted with special shoes that are a mix between bowling shoes and the clop-clop wooden joints worn by Pinocchio.
You will use said shoes to affix yourself to the bike, like a horse being hooved.
3. You will make your way down a narrow, neon sign-lit hallway on your way to a dimly lit studio.
Much like a holding area for a futuristic ride in Disney World… or a scene from Tron: Legacy.
4. You will hear kick-ass dance music. Lots of Drake, too.
Whom I envision would mount his bike like so.
5. Your instructor — who may or may not be inked like a road map — will look like a DJ.
6. You will hear awesome mashups.
And you will think to yourself, Why didn’t I lay Jay-Z’s “Dirt Off Your Shoulder” over The Verve’s “Bittersweet Symphony” years ago?!
7. You will wish you (or the person in front of you) had worn cotton underwear.
And not a thong, because we ride as a pack, you see, which makes it easy to flash your neighbor some crack.
8. Your instructor will say that next you’ll be doing pushups — on the bike.
And this will sound impossible.
9. You will ask yourself what the likelihood is that you will do a somersault clean over the handlebars.
… And if the bike would come with you.
10. But you will feel like a freakin’ rock star when you knock out those pushups and stay on beat!
11. You will sweat like a pig, except pigs don’t sweat, so you will moreso sweat like:
12. Your instructor will encourage you not to judge yourself, and to draw energy from the person next to you.
And you will love the stranger next to you for sharing that energy — or you will try to outpedal her.
13. Just when you think your thighs are about to go numb, you will close your eyes, breathe deeply and power your way through that last song!
14. You will realize that you loved every minute of it.
Just as you begin to calculate how many meals you have to miss in order to afford a membership….
Thumbnail photo from Soulcycle.