1. Dubliners by James Joyce
What it says: “Then late one night as he was undressing for bed she had tapped at his door, timidly. She wanted to relight her candle at his for hers had been blown out by gust. It was her bath night. She wore a loose open combing-jacket of printed flannel. Her white instep shone in the opening of her furry slippers and the blood glowed warmly behind her perfumed skin. From her hands and wrists too as she lit and steadied her candle a faint perfume arose.”
TL;DR: It’s forbidden sexy-time.
2. Lady Chatterley’s Lover by D.H. Lawrence
What it says: “And when he came into her, with an intensification of relief and consummation that was pure peace to him, still she was waiting. She felt herself a little left out. And she knew, partly it was her own fault. She willed herself into this separateness. Now perhaps she was condemned to it. She lay still, feeling his motion within her, his deep-sunk intentness, the sudden quiver of him at the springing of his seed, then the slow-subsiding thrust. That thrust of the buttocks, surely it was a little ridiculous. If you were a woman, and a part in all the business, surely that thrusting of the man’s buttocks was supremely ridiculous. Surely the man was intensely ridiculous in this posture and this act…Yes, this was love, this ridiculous bouncing of the buttocks, and the wilting of the poor, insignificant, moist little penis. This was the divine love!!”
TL;DR: Anal sex is a little silly, but enjoyable.
3. The Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer
What it says: “This wenche thikke and wel ygrowen was,/ With kamus nose and eyen greye as glas,/ With buttoked brode, and brestes rounde and hye;/ But right fair was hire heer, I wol nat lye.”
TL;DR Girl’s lookin’ to get some.
4. Romeo and Juliet by William Shaksespeare
What it says: “Spread thy close curtain, love-performing night,/ That runaway’s eyes may wink and Romeo/ Leap to these arms, untalk’d of and unseen./ Lovers can see to do their amorous rites/ By their own beauties; or, if love be blind,/ It best agrees with night. Come, civil night,/ Thou sober-suited matron, all in black,/ And learn me how to lose a winning match,/ Play’d for a pair of stainless maidenhoods:/ Hood my unmann’d blood, bating in my cheeks,/ With thy black mantle; till strange love, grown bold,/ Think true love acted simple modesty.”
TL;DR: Damn I’m horny.
5. Ulysses by James Joyce
What it sats: “O and the sea the sea crimson sometimes like fire and the glorious sunsets and the figtrees in the Alameda gardens yes and all the queer little streets and the pink and blue and yellow houses and the rosegardens and the jessamine and geraniums and cactuses and Gibraltar as a girl where I was a Flower of the mountain yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.”
TL;DR: You don’t need a man to have fun.
6. Dangerous Liasons by Pierre Ambroise François Choderlos de Laclos
What is says: “I shall possess this woman; I shall steal her from the husband who profanes her: I will even dare ravish her from the God whom she adores. What delight, to be in turns the object and the victor of her remorse! Far be it from me to destroy the prejudices which sway her mind! They will add to my happiness and my triumph. Let her believe in virtue, and sacrifice it to me; let the idea of falling terrify her, without preventing her fall; and may she, shaken by a thousand terrors, forget them, vanquish them only in my arms.”
TL;DR: “Stealing” virginity is hot, especially when it includes adultery.
7. Fanny Hill by John Cleland
What is says: “…and now, disengag’d from the shirt, I saw, with wonder and surprise, what? not the play-thing of a boy, not the weapon of a man, but a maypole of so enormous a standard, that had proportions been observ’d, it must have belong’d to a young giant. Its prodigious size made me shrink again; yet I could not, without pleasure, behold, and even ventur’d to feel, such a length, such a breadth of animated ivory! perfectly well turn’d and fashion’d, the proud stiffness of which distended its skin, whose smooth polish and velvet softness might vie with that of the most delicate of our sex, and whose exquisite whiteness was not a little set off by a sprout of black curling hair round the root…”
TL;DR: That’s a nice cock.
8. Delta of Venus by Anais Nin
What it says: “They fell on this, the three bodies in accord, moving against each other to feel breast against breast and belly against belly. They ceased to be three bodies. They became all mouths and fingers and tongues and senses. Their mouths sought another mouth, a nipple, a clitoris. They lay entangled, moving very slowly. They kissed until the kissing became a torture and the body grew restless. Their hands always found yielding flesh, an opening. The fur they lay on gave off an animal odor, which mingled with the odors of sex…They tried to come in unison, but Elena came first, falling in a heap, detached from Leila’s hand, struck down by the violence of her orgasm, Leila fell beside her, offering her sex to Elena’s mouth. As Elena’s pleasure grew fainter, rolling away, dying off, she gave Leila her tongue, flicking in the sex’s mouth until Leila contracted and moaned. She bit into Leila’s tender flesh. In the paroxysm of her pleasure, Leila did not feel the teeth buried there.”
TL;DR: Threesomes are pretty sweet.
9. The Decameron by Giovanni Boccaccio
What it says: “Now it so befell that after a hard day’s work he was taking a little rest, when two young nuns, who were walking in the garden, approached the spot where he lay, and stopped to look at him, while he pretended to be asleep. And so the bolder of the two said to the other: ‘If I thought thou wouldst keep the secret, I would tell thee what I have sometimes meditated, and which thou perhaps mightest also find agreeable’…. So she took him by the hand with a blandishing air, to which he replied with some clownish grins. And then she led him into the hut, where he needed no pressing to do what she desired of him. Which done, she changed places with the other, as loyal comradeship required; and Masetto, still keeping up the pretence of simplicity, did their pleasure.”
TL; DR/b>: Nuns also like tagteaming men pretending to be mutes.
10. Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller
What it says: “All the men she’s been with and now you, just you, and the barges going by, masts and hulls, the whole damned current of life flowing through you, through her, through all the guys behind you and after you, the flowers and the birds and the sun streaming in and the fragrance of it choking you, annihilating you.”
TL; DR: Sex is the most alive you’ll ever feel, and yet it’s also the closest you come to death.
11. Hamlet by William Shakespeare
What is says: “Hamlet: Nay, but to live/ In the rank sweat of an enseamed bed,/ Stew’d in corruption, honeying and making love/ Over the nasty sty,—”
TL; DR: I want to do the dirty all day long.
12. Dracula by Bram Stoker
What it says:”The fair girl went on her knees, and bent over me, fairly gloating. There was a deliberate voluptuousness which was both thrilling and repulsive, and as she arched her neck she actually licked her lips like an animal, till I could see in the moonlight the moisture shining on the scarlet lips and on the red tongue as it lapped the white sharp teeth.”
TL; DR: It’s nice when the girl’s on top.
13. The Bible
What it says: “There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission like that of horses. So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled” (Ezekiel 23: 20, 21). “Your breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies” (Song of Songs 4: 5).
TL; DR: Boobs are awesome.
- Shannon Miles, who is suspected of ambushing and killing a Harris County, Texas, sheriff's deputy, was arrested Saturday and charged with capital murder. ›
- For the first time in history, there are three major hurricanes in the Pacific east of the International Dateline at the same time. ›
- Oliver Sacks, the famed neurologist and author, died Sunday from cancer. He was 82. ›