1. He’s credited in this movie as “Campus DJ.” What kind of high school has a designated DJ?
2. Does he get school credit for this?
3. Or is it more a volunteer job? Or maybe an independent study kind of thing?
4. Does Usher announce other things at school?
5. What about the morning announcements — does he do those, or does a principal do that?
6. And how often is he broadcasting? Just before and after school, or does he do DJ sets during lunch, too?
7. And when does Usher go to his other classes?
8. Shouldn’t a guidance counselor or some sort of authority figure step in and suggest that he diversify his list of activities? Isn’t he putting a little too much time into DJing?
9. Is Campus DJ even the kind of thing that colleges are looking for on an application?
10. If he’s spending so much time DJing, when does he have time to find out all that dirt on his fellow classmates?
11. Aren’t any administrators worried about Usher’s ability to broadcast whatever he wants to the entire campus?
12. I mean, he uses the words “magically delicious” to describe Taylor Vaughan, who may or may not be of the age of consent. And then talks about the tightness of her dresses. How is that okay?
13. Isn’t William Henry Harrison High School opening itself up to sexual harassment lawsuits here?
14. Or at least some sort of discipline from campus officials, right?
15. Doesn’t it seem weird that Usher gets such freedom at this school for an average student?
16. Wait, wait… Usher does go this school, right?
18. How old is Usher in this movie?
19. Is he even a student at this school? IS HE EVEN A FUCKING STUDENT????
20. What the hell is he doing all day with himself?
21. Is this a staff position? Is Usher a faculty member?
22. He’s definitely getting sued for sexual harassment if he’s a faculty member, right? Even for a fictional high school in California, talking to an entire student body about the tightness of Taylor Vaughan’s dresses has to be unacceptable, doesn’t it?
23. And honestly, how does he find out all this gossip on students if he’s just some random DJ loitering around the school all day?
24. Doesn’t ANYONE find it a little creepy that he’s hanging out with teenagers in a non-teaching position?
25. How much does a Campus DJ position pay, anyway?
26. You’re telling me that a school with unmowed grass on its soccer field has enough money to put a DJ on payroll?
27. Is it a living wage, or does he have to do other gigs outside of school, too?
28. Is Usher available to DJ bar mitzvahs in the LA area? He should really do bar mitzvahs. He’d kill at bar mitzvahs.
29. And why doesn’t he DJ the party at Preston’s house?
30. I mean, who hires some random DJ when you know freaking USHER?
31. Also, how can someone as cool as Usher come up with nicknames as bad as “the falafel fairy”? That’s the best you can do, Usher?
32. Is this why he’s working at a high school? Because he’s bad with nicknames?
33. Wait, what’s Usher’s DJ nickname? This movie came out in 1999. There’s no way he was a DJ without a nickname, right?
34. And aren’t we ignoring the big question here? Maybe THE big question?
35. Why is Usher bothering to DJ when he’s so good at dancing?
36. Is no one else at this school blown away by the fact that he taught a bunch of seniors how to dance like this IN THEIR SPARE TIME?
37. Honestly, how did he even teach these kids to dance like that?
38. And if these students are part of a Dance Club — is that a school-sponsored club?
39. When does it meet?
40. How long has Usher been teaching it?
41. Are there separate meetings, or have Laney and Taylor both somehow been in the same club the whole time and not started fighting?
42. Do they learn any other dances, too? Or does is Dance Club for Fatboy Slim-related dances only?
43. Usher knows that we’d watch a “She’s All That 2” just featuring Usher teaching Dance Club, right? Why isn’t this a thing yet?
44. And why isn’t Usher dancing, too? He’s the best dancer in the entire room. Doesn’t he realize that?
45. You’re telling me that everyone is just gonna let Usher just groove in the back by himself?
46. Why isn’t EVERY person in the room begging Usher to dance right now? Is no one interested in seeing Usher dance?
47. No one???
48. What the hell is wrong with you, William Henry Harrison High?
49. Are you not moved by the dancing talents of Usher?
50. Aren’t you at least going thank him for teaching everyone that sweet dance?
51. And… hey, wait a second: Where the hell did Usher disappear to?
52. WASN’T HE JUST ON STAGE??
53. Is it possible that Usher isn’t even from this world?
54. Does Usher have some sort of invisibility cloak? Or a superpower?
55. Is any of this real? Does this movie even take place in this dimension? Or is Usher some sort of semi-divine Greek chorus within “She’s All That,” a narrator with the ability to move to and fro beyond the normal boundaries of time and space? Is he a man who bends the universe for his own purposes, which in this case happen to involve a part-time job DJing at a Southern California high school? Is Usher a force greater than any of us could ever know?
56. Or is he just missing from that shot because of a continuity error?
(Okay, yeah, that probably makes more sense.)