1.
Millennials who make fun of my wife and I for sharing jeans can go straight to hell.
2.
"You were in there for *quite* a while." - chick flirting with me hard as I exit Starbucks bathroom
3.
Bye dad…
4.
I deserve to feel sexy at the #farmers #market.
5.
If I were a woman, when I encountered sexism I’d be like “BRB, I’m gonna go *MAKE A HUMAN* IN MY BODY LIKE A MAGICAL GOD, YOU SAD OAF.”
6.
Wifi at my uncle's funeral is a fucking joke.
7.
Cheap date idea: cut open a pack of hotdogs & squeeze the juice over your lover's body then summon a peregrine falcon with your mind.
8.
I cannot psychologically afford for my wife not to be elected president of our condo association.
9.
I can pee into a Panera bread bowl an average of 4x before it falls apart.
10.
Just roofied mysel
11.
These goggles allow my son Thanson to eat gluten in small amounts ,
12.
I had to sign a form at my son's school yesterday acknowledging that I understood he'd hit himself in the head with a pan.
13.
Lamestream feminist media making fun of differently sized penises and dicks is why men need guns .i own a small business
14.
🚨PLEASE RT🚨 My beautiful sweet dog Terry is missing. Also my wife is sleeping with my sons' karaté teacher.
15.
Plaese watch my Ted talk about how vaccines made my son T'Keaven into a Druid
16.
First Easter without Zayn :(
17.
Using my son's raincoat as a hat so my hair doesn't get messed up. He's doing the cutest little shivers!
18.
If you specify you went to "Whole Foods" instead of "the grocery store," get the fuck away from me & my family.
19.
In June of last year, a beautiful woman on the subway saw me yawn & then she yawned. So I think we can cool it with the "virgin" talk.
20.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
21.
Donuts are gay bagels.
Here's the #ModestyPouch I wore in opening of #Catastrophe last night. Watch all eps here: http://t.co/CxJzQnqZ48