In 1984, former U.K. music magazine Smash Hits invited Morrissey to come in and review that week’s new singles. Of course the results were, well, classic Morrissey.
1. Duran Duran, “Wild Boys”
Pleads for Duran Duran to stop making music videos:
Big burps of aggression fill out this truly good Duran single. Fine fiery vocals and mountainous drums. But please, boys, don’t make a video. Bestest Single Of The Fortnight.
2. Cyndi Lauper, “All Through The Night”
Calls Cyndi Lauper ordinary:
In homecountry, America, Cyndi Lauper is probably filed under “New Wave.” This record is grossly unmusical. Squeezing the rag dry, it is lifted yet again from her LP, “She’s So Incredibly Ordinary.”
3. Chaka Kahn, “I Feel For You”
Says Prince is a living “travesty”:
Indisputably cleaver record written by romping travesty Prince.
4. Modern Romance, “Move On”
Really throws shade at Modern Romance:
There are indeed worse groups than Modern Romance. But can anybody seriously think of one?
5. Miami Sound Machine, “Prisoner of Love”
Miami Sound Machine lack passion:
The kind of stealthy eroticism which makes a life of religion madly attractive.
6. Level 42, “The Chant Has Begun”
You have to be drunk to enjoy the band Level 42:
That’s strange, I can’t hear it. Having never been sufficiently drunk to enjoy a Level 42 record, I prescribe the Burmese neck ring to these chumps for being icy.
7. Lionel Richie, “Penny Lover”
Only miserable people like Lionel Richie:
The seventeenth single lifted from his “Can’t Slow Down” LP. That people actually care for such things suggests an unholy amount of human misery.
8. Tracey Ullman, “Helpless”
Tracey Ullman is “hopeless”:
Hopeless. Absent of “Sunglasses” wit, or the rhapsodic edge of the brilliant “Move Over Darling.” Great Shame.
9. Alphaville, “Forever Young”
Alphaville are so untalented, they should have DIED at birth:
Alphaville embody the frustrated egos of the massively untalented. Should have been drowned at birth.