1. You should always know the power of the shoulder pad!
Remember: The bigger the shoulder pad, the closer to God.
2. Nothing says “I will destroy your company and sleep with your husband,” like shoulder wings.
3. An Italian cigarette makes the best accessory when cussing out a sworn enemy.
4. If you’re going to be arrested, make sure you do it in a ball gown.
Jeans are for TRASH.
5. Know how to work a hat -— no matter how ridiculous it looks.
Basically, at all times you should like an extra from Doctor Zhivago.
Lara Antipov, eat your heart out.
9. …or, at the very least, feathers.
11. …or too much sparkle!
Yes, you want to look like a figure skater.
12. When in doubt add some ruffles to your dress…
13. …or weird embroidery. This is the best way to confuse your sworn enemies with glamour.
14. This is the only way you should look when taking a nap:
Sweatpants are for TRASH.
15. Nothing adds more drama than a veil.
16. Just because you’re laid up in the hospital doesn’t mean you can slouch on the glamour.
17. And this is especially true of bathtubs.
Perfectly made up hair and makeup? Check.