1. You just had a three-hour conversation about your “boundaries.” You broke up eight months ago.
2. You’ve spent a lot of time talking about not talking.
You are never going to stop talking.
3. This is what you hear from all your straight friends:
4. You have alienated at least one person because this breakup is ALL. YOU. TALK ABOUT.
5. You catch yourself feeling nostalgic for the peripheral old people who used to give you dirty looks for holding hands.
I miss you?
6. You’re beginning to think Tegan and Sara are the only people in the world who get it.
See? They get it!
7. You are earnestly trying to psychoanalyze her new haircut.
WHAT DOES THIS UNDERCUT MEAN.
8. You are worried about how your style will work without her.
And for fuck’s sake, how the hell are you going to divide your wardrobe?!
9. Seriously, WHICH ONE OF YOU KEEPS THE GENDER-NEUTRAL GEOMETRIC SWEATER?
10. The first time you try to hang out as friends:
Wait, friends don’t do this?
11. Your breakup buzzwords aren’t “It’s not you, it’s me.” They are “healthy,” “consent,” “support,” “commitment,” “responsibility,” and “processing.”
12. Oh god, you do so much processing.
13. Maybe you threw away a piece of trash she left in your apartment, maybe you didn’t. It’s complicated, okay?!
14. You start watching her favorite TV show because it makes you feel closer to her.
God help you if her favorite show is Lip Service.
15. You’re thinking about how to be better to yourself.
16. You will never. EVER. Get over this breakup.
(You will probably get over this breakup.)
Hang in there, sister.
Shoutout to my homegirl Mia for her help.