1. When someone makes you angry, but she’s not there to yell at:
Eat her muffin.
2. When someone won’t give you the names of the clones you’re trying to murder:
Eat toast at her. It’s called symbolic violence, and it works.
3. When someone spanks a child you’re fond of:
Because nothing gets your point across like a well chosen simile!
4. When someone rudely changes positions so they don’t have to look at your face:
Sometimes it’s best to let your ass do the talking.
7. When someone tells you to go to hell and then tries to smother you:
“Sleep now.” Simple. To the point.
8. When you have a chance to talk to your would-be assassin about her incompetence:
No words, just chuckles.
11. When someone implies your singing isn’t good.
13. When you’re trying to torture and kill the person who’s implanting your fertilized eggs in other women without permission and he starts giving you lip:
“This is not a pipe I’m holding at a rakish angle between my teeth. It’s a signifier of your doom.”
And of course, follow it up with the best comeback of all.
Burn his house to the ground! Damn, Helena, you sure know how to win an argument.