You may remember Balto as a heartwarming cartoon about a heroic wolf-dog. In reality, it is the story of how one dog saved many children from death because he wanted to bone a lady dog.
Balto, our hero, son of a dog and a wolf, is motivated by three things in life:
1. The desire to race with the sled dogs.
2. Shame at the wolf parentage that prevents him from racing with the sled dogs.
3. The desire to make sweet, sweet love to Jenna, the prettiest dog in town.
In order to prove himself a worthy sled dog, overcome his shame at his wolf side, and make sweet, sweet love to Jenna, the prettiest dog in town, Balto has to lead a team of sled dogs carrying a serum across the frozen wilderness to save Jenna’s beloved human friend, Rosy, from diphtheria. In other words, Balto’s heroics are motivated by various forms of desire from the start. Motivation-wise, this is probably the most realistic children’s movie ever. It is also completely inappropriate.
Let’s take a look at everything that makes this movie a little more G-spot than G:
1. At the beginning of the movie, Balto figures out that the way to Jenna’s heart is through a little girl named Rosy, so he risks serious injury to retrieve the girl’s hat.
“Balto, what a crazy thing to do just to show off to a pretty girl,” Rosy says. FORESHADOWING ALERT.
Gauging by the expression on Jenna’s face, Balto would’ve had it in the bag right then if it weren’t for diphtheria, which will force him to do other crazy things “just to show off to a pretty girl.”
Balto’s not the only horndog in this movie.
2. Eight minutes in, Jenna, prettiest dog in town, is innocently strolling with her friends when a lusty dog tries to literally jump their bones.
The dog equivalent of catcalling.
3. Steele, Balto’s purebred enemy, runs by these three lady dogs, who swoon and make puppy-dog eyes.
4. Steele makes a sexual predator face at Jenna, who is clearly uncomfortable.
Like all arrogant villains before him, Steele has eyes for the same girl as our underdog hero.
5. Jenna walks off, but Dixie, desperate to get Steele’s attention, rubs her body on his.
6. He rejects her advances and steps away. Having rubbed her head against his genitals, she collapses in a quivering heap.
Dixie follows in the grand tradition of the animated lady-dog seductress. See also: Peg from Lady and the Tramp.
“Bow-wowza,” or something. Also, NOT APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN (or, you know, anyone, because at this point we should all object to a female character whose only feature is “throwing herself at the feet of male characters for no real reason outside her unexplained yet insatiable sexual appetite,” right?).
7. Steele tries to seduce Jenna by offering her sausages, but she declines.
I think he has another sausage in store for her later.
8. But really, the lusty one is Balto. Balto gets so excited to see Jenna that he loses his footing and plows right into her nose with his nose.
It’s full of sexual tension.
9. Balto, in an attempt to woo his love, takes her into a frightening tunnel. Just when she starts to think he’s crazy for bringing her here, he then turns on the mood lighting.
She is duly impressed. It’s a pretty smooth move.
She, looking at the lights, says, “Balto, you’re right. It’s beautiful.” He, in perfect form, looks at her face and says, “Yeah. Beautiful.”
Like, for real: How many times has he used that line?
But Rosy, it turns out, is very sick.
She has turned the color of her pillow.
Because Steele totally sabotages him, Balto doesn’t make the dogsled team that will head out into the snow to retrieve the serum. Crushed, he watches Steele lead the others away from town.
What’s he gonna doooooooo?
Steele’s arrogance hobbles his ability to lead, and he ends up getting the team and the serum lost in a blizzard!
10. Back in Nome, Balto watches his lady love through the window. He decides to find Steele and get that medicine.
Ah, the ol’ “watch a girl through a window” trick. Warms my heart.
11. While Balto is looking for Steele, he gets attacked by a bear! But Jenna shows up and saves him! She, presumably, is motivated by the desire to see Rosy get better.
Balto, on the other hand, almost certainly sees this as an act of desire to get him on her, because he assumes that everyone is down to risk life and limb for lovin’.
12. More chaos ensues with the bear, who is beyond stupid and ends up drowning. Luckily, Balto is pulled out of the icy water by his polar bear friends.
13. Since he’s all wet, Jenna lies on top of him. He instantly warms up.
Or, you know, at least one part of him warms up.
14. Jenna goes home to Nome, but Balto soldiers on. Possibly because his mind is addled by hormones, Balto is convinced that Steele & co. will be stoked to see him.
Actually, Steele & co. got completely lost in a goddamn blizzard, so logically they should be pretty excited to see someone who can lead them, you know, back home.
15. Steele is not happy to see Balto, and they get in a fight and Steele falls off a cliff (but is unharmed somehow).
16. Balto, having won the team’s loyalty, takes up the mantle of leadership in the name of “saving the children.”
17. Steele makes it to Nome alone and claims his team has died. Jenna doesn’t believe it, and uses Balto’s mood-lighting trick as a beacon. Has she figured out what Balto thinks is going to happen when he gets back?
18. Of course Balto does make it back to Nome, and he’s a little anxious about what’ll happen, but he gets a hero’s welcome from the humans.
So far, so good.
19. Now a hero, Balto meets Jenna on the porch. Following a tender nuzzle, she pulls back and gives him what can only be described as bedroom eyes.
20. If you think this is reading too much into it, please see Balto’s “getting some tail” smile.
Don’t pretend you haven’t seen this smile before. Note how his hairy appendage perks up in the background.
21. Balto looks a little miffed when he notices the crowd of people watching them.
Way to cockblock, Nome.
If you’re in Ohio and you want to see the real Balto looking stiff, his body is on display at the Cleveland Museum of Natural History.