Olympics Closing Ceremonies Fab-Off: Spice Girls Vs. Supermodels

The Closing Ceremonies were a mish-mish of every famous Brit who could so much as keep a beat on a trash can lid or walk to and fro on cue.

1. Spice Girls!!!

Let’s not beat around the Union Jack-shaped topiary, everyone still wants to talk about the Spice Girls and I am no exception.

I thought their performance was pitch-perfect. Even if they didn’t really sing, the performance wasn’t nearly long enough, and it was sort of slap-dash, it happened and it was like 1995 all over again. Let’s assess the fashions, one Spice at a time.

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2. Scary Spice (Mel B)

GREAT catsuit. Perfect for her (since it was kind of scary), the event (since how do you stand out in a sea of lights that don’t stop flashing the rainbow?), and 2012 (since no modern 37-year-old diva would dare perform in something other than a skintight sparkle suit).

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You go, Mel B. You’ve done J. Lo proud!

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4. Ginger Spice (Geri Halliwell)

I love that her ass had a Union Jack flapping off the back. She had to pay homage to this pivotal moment in British cultural history in some way, and that was just enough to bring us back there but not SO much that it overpowered the whole performance.

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5. Posh Spice (Victoria Beckham)

Victoria Beckham is now a sophisticated fashion designer, and she seemed painfully aware of how she had returned to her cheesy pop star fame roots for this reunion. But lo! Other signs she was out of practice abounded, including her constant attempt to knock her knees together, as though she didn’t trust her vagina not to show. Every modern diva from Rihanna to Kelis knows leotards and stage panties never fail during performances.

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6. Baby Spice (Emma Bunton) and Sporty Spice (Mel C.)

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7. Sporty Spice

As much as I love Scary’s sparkly unitard, this might be my favorite outfit of them all. It’s simple, interesting enough (being a jumpsuit), and includes wedge sneakers you can probably find an imitation version of on NastyGal.com.

8. Baby Spice

Strip Lady Gaga of everything unnecessary and painful-looking and many of her stage costumes would reduce down to something like this. Way to go Emma for having the confidence to keep it simple.

The team collectively spiced up my life sufficiently for at least a couple of weeks.

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10. Moving on: let’s discuss this strange model thing.

When these billboards started rolling in, my Closing Ceremonies viewing partners said, “What’s in there? Something’s going to pop out of those things.” I said, “No, that would be TOO lame, even for this.” And lo!

11. Kate Moss

There she stood from within her box, sucking on a Mento and looking nervous, like she had practiced her bored face but wasn’t sure if she was doing it right. The dress was nice but not as great as some of the others…

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12. Lily Cole

Even this one at least had you wondering, why is it see-through up the middle? Does she have the right underwear for that? Etc.

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13. Naomi Campbell (flanked by Jourdan Dunn with David Gandy and Stella Tennant)

Other models who got to break out of the box (ZING!) included Jourdan Dunn, David Gandy (a dude!), Naomi Campbell, and Stella Tennant. I hear Naomi Campbell actually broke her box down herself from within via her temper. (Oh it’s too easy.)

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14. Here they all are, looking splendid and shiny.

Overall I contend that random fashion model interludes don’t really belong in concerts where you have to compete with tightrope walkers lighting mannequins on fire from hundreds of feed in the air and Victoria Beckham singing atop a sparkly, moving car. It’s just hard to compete when your main skill is walking while wearing something, no matter how shiny your clothes are.

But you know who the best model was of this group?

15. Stella Tennant

They should have just put her on a pedestal in the middle of the show and let her stay there for the whole thing. She looked great in this, the power suit of my wildest dreams.

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Honorable Fab Mentions:
While I think most would agree the Spice Girls were the most fab part of the Closing Ceremonies spectacle — even in the wake of fancy supermodel pageant walking — these folks deserve honorable mentions for their efforts to win in the fab stakes.

17. Pet Shop Boys

How awesome was this? I can’t remember if One Direction came before or after these guys but their legging-sized khakis had absolutely nothing on these Gareth Pugh jackets. Eccentricity well-played.

18. Pet Shop Boys Saxophonist

I love how his Union Jack kilt matched his Union Jack sax.

Image by CHRIS HELGREN / Reuters

19. Jessie J.

Jessie J. took up a disproportionate amount of set time. You would think she’s more important than the Spice Girls, given all the singing time she had (she’s not). Chief amongst her disappointments was her wardrobe, mostly this pair of control top nude stockings she turned into a unitard with embellishments barnacled onto her.

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20. Jessie J., take two

This body stocking was better because it was sparklier, but the asymmetrical cut wasn’t enough to make it truly interesting. You know if this was Katy Perry she’d have spinning peppermints over her nipples, or something. But Jessie J. is still getting her footing as a famous singer so, overall she did okay.

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21. Fatboy Slim

You know, I don’t know how he did it.

I wouldn’t be able to TYPE, much less DJ, if I had to wear this octopus.

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23. Matt Bellamy from Muse

Points for the sequins. Everyone who performed in a drab Canadian tuxedo should study this man.

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24. Darcey Bucell

The ballerina’s ensemble was the perfect commentary on how flaming, in so many ways, the Olympics are.

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25. BNegao

If this light bulb vest is how we’re heading into Rio? I can’t effing wait.

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