2. January Jones
YES! After the skimpy graduation tassel of ‘11, the intense peacocking of ‘10, and her slew of other debatable outfits, January nailed it this time. This is how you wear a black ball gown at an award show. It so perfectly says: “Don’t fuck with me, my dress can hurt you.” Which must be directed at Jessica “Mrs. Draper/New Mad Men Screen Queen” Paré (we’ll get to her later).
3. Jessica Lange
Without the shades this wouldn’t have been as cool. It’s so “Texts From Jessica Lange.”
4. Julie Bowen
I know you won’t all agree with me BUT! I love how, despite this dress being very traditional she chose a very nontraditional color, even if neon is sort of passé. I guess that’s the kind of pressure an actress feels when you’re sort of competing for attention with the impossibly radiant Sof-ME-a Vergara.
5. Kerry Washington
Because we will get to some people who were a little overzealous with their sequins, let’s appreciate how nicely done these sequins are. Loud materials don’t need, like, extra corsets on top to look good.
6. Julia Louis-Dreyfus
This brownish dark red was a surprising trend but JLD pulled it off the best. A tight mermaid cut is pretty much the way to win a red carpet without thinking too hard about it.
7. Padma Lakshmi
Her tight dresses laugh in the face of everyone else who eats food.
8. Elisabeth Moss
I know this is another debatable one but I love that she chose a non-traditional print and cut. Very “hipster goes to Hollywood.”
9. Kiernan Shipka
It would be wrong to say anything bad about a child’s outfit but I really do think this was the best look of the night. She probably also makes straight A’s and plays Tchaikovsky piano concertos flawlessly.
10. Allison Williams
An easy mermaid-cut win, but the peplums are nicely on-trend and keep the dress interesting, even if her boobs look like teeth.
11. Zooey Deschanel
No one else could pull off a Cinderella princess gown like this, not even Kiernan Shipka. This is how you wear your whimsy, right here.
13. Kristen Wiig
I was torn on this but ultimately decided it’s like the Forever 21 version of the Givenchy dress Rooney Mara wore to the Oscars:
15. Mayim Bialik
The sleeves would function soooo much better as candle cleaners than part of this dress.
16. Julianna Margulies
You might call this a “total Monet.”
17. Kat Dennings
Aside from her dress itself being forgettable, the main problem with this is her attitude. SMILE lady you’re MAKING IT IN COMEDY and you’re ON A MAJOR RED CARPET! Be happy that you are being recognized for your success!
18. Michelle Dockery
19. Heidi Klum
At least she found a second use for those silk sheets Pink used for her aerial shows. A little more tailoring might have helped make it look less like a Real Housewife’s bathing suit cover-up.
20. John Hamm
I get that he might have been leery of tight pants, but when you’re a red-carpet guy tailoring is really everything.
21. Christina Hendricks
Gray is better suited to “I want to look dirty on purpose today” or “fucking last night’s tequila don’t talk to me this morning” than “I’m a star! At the Emmys!”
22. Jessica Pare
You can’t say anything BAD about this but there’s not anything interesting to rave over, either.
She totally spent the night giving January Jones side eye.
23. Hayden Panettiere
This is the double-wrapped version of a dress. Is double-wrapping ever necessary? Looking at this, I’d say no.
24. Cat Deeley
Why does this outfit makes me feel like she’s about to break into song and try to sell me on Coke Zero?
26. Julianne Moore
You have to applaud the balls it took to wear this much bright yellow fabric at once.
27. Nicole Kidman (with Keith Urban)
I wish the pattern didn’t stop where it did. Like, if you’re going to bake a cake you don’t make the batter and wait for the oven to turn itself on. You finish the job!
28. Lucy Liu
The bigger a sequin the cheaper it looks. Even a partial corset overlay can only remedy that so much.
29. Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi
If Gumby were tan…
30. Sofia Vergara
I love her Nineties makeup (even though I’m sure that wasn’t intentional). But Miss Universe called and they want their evening wear back.
31. Lena Dunham
I love that she always does something different from everyone else, but I would love this more if it were a couple feet shorter — less funereal, more fun.
32. Ginnifer Goodwin
She’s thinking she should have had those fries in the car on the way over because hey, her dress is one giant ketchup spill anyway.
33. Zosia Mamet
If a hostess cupcake were a gown.
34. Glenn Close
As nail art, this would work. As a whole dress, it’s like a mold that just keeps spreading.
35. Julianne Hough
Well on the upside she has candy stuck to the bottom of her dress in case any of the actresses there break their juice fasts.
36. Ashley Judd
If you’re going to go here, just put bows everywhere — hair, wrists, front waist — and make it really freak.
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Can someone please help Christina Hendricks? I have a friend that has almost an identical shape and she manages to always look flawless in her evening wear, while Christina always looks too smushed or HEY LOOK AT MY CURVES, YOU KNOW, HEY, I’M CURVY IF YOU DIDN’T KNOW.
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Kiernan Shipka looks adorable and age-appropriate. It’s refreshing to see a kid actress who isn’t trying to look like she’s 20. Heidi Klum’s dress screams “trying to hard” and with that body she shouldn’t even be trying. Julianne Moore is a ginger goddess who looks good even in the most obnoxious colours. Ok, I’ll stop now.
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