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Emmys Fashion Recap: The Chic, The Bleak, And The Freak

January Jones finally nailed it, Heidi Klum miraculously looked slightly dowdy, and Sofia Vergara finally took her preferred mermaid look one step too far.

The Chic:

2. January Jones

Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

YES! After the skimpy graduation tassel of ‘11, the intense peacocking of ‘10, and her slew of other debatable outfits, January nailed it this time. This is how you wear a black ball gown at an award show. It so perfectly says: “Don’t fuck with me, my dress can hurt you.” Which must be directed at Jessica “Mrs. Draper/New Mad Men Screen Queen” Paré (we’ll get to her later).

3. Jessica Lange

Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

Without the shades this wouldn’t have been as cool. It’s so “Texts From Jessica Lange.”

4. Julie Bowen

The Associated Press / AP

I know you won’t all agree with me BUT! I love how, despite this dress being very traditional she chose a very nontraditional color, even if neon is sort of passé. I guess that’s the kind of pressure an actress feels when you’re sort of competing for attention with the impossibly radiant Sof-ME-a Vergara.

5. Kerry Washington

Lucy Nicholson / Reuters

Because we will get to some people who were a little overzealous with their sequins, let’s appreciate how nicely done these sequins are. Loud materials don’t need, like, extra corsets on top to look good.

6. Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

This brownish dark red was a surprising trend but JLD pulled it off the best. A tight mermaid cut is pretty much the way to win a red carpet without thinking too hard about it.

7. Padma Lakshmi

Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

Her tight dresses laugh in the face of everyone else who eats food.

8. Elisabeth Moss

Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

I know this is another debatable one but I love that she chose a non-traditional print and cut. Very “hipster goes to Hollywood.”

9. Kiernan Shipka

Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

It would be wrong to say anything bad about a child’s outfit but I really do think this was the best look of the night. She probably also makes straight A’s and plays Tchaikovsky piano concertos flawlessly.

10. Allison Williams

Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

An easy mermaid-cut win, but the peplums are nicely on-trend and keep the dress interesting, even if her boobs look like teeth.

11. Zooey Deschanel

Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

No one else could pull off a Cinderella princess gown like this, not even Kiernan Shipka. This is how you wear your whimsy, right here.

The Bleak:

13. Kristen Wiig

Frazer Harrison / Getty Images

I was torn on this but ultimately decided it’s like the Forever 21 version of the Givenchy dress Rooney Mara wore to the Oscars:

Lucy Nicholson / Reuters

15. Mayim Bialik

Frazer Harrison / Getty Images

The sleeves would function soooo much better as candle cleaners than part of this dress.

16. Julianna Margulies

Lucy Nicholson / Reuters

You might call this a “total Monet.”

17. Kat Dennings

Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

Aside from her dress itself being forgettable, the main problem with this is her attitude. SMILE lady you’re MAKING IT IN COMEDY and you’re ON A MAJOR RED CARPET! Be happy that you are being recognized for your success!

18. Michelle Dockery

Kevork Djansezian / Getty Images

Downton sad-ey.

19. Heidi Klum

Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

At least she found a second use for those silk sheets Pink used for her aerial shows. A little more tailoring might have helped make it look less like a Real Housewife’s bathing suit cover-up.

20. John Hamm

Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

I get that he might have been leery of tight pants, but when you’re a red-carpet guy tailoring is really everything.

21. Christina Hendricks

Frazer Harrison / Getty Images

Gray is better suited to “I want to look dirty on purpose today” or “fucking last night’s tequila don’t talk to me this morning” than “I’m a star! At the Emmys!”

22. Jessica Pare

Frazer Harrison / Getty Images

You can’t say anything BAD about this but there’s not anything interesting to rave over, either.

She totally spent the night giving January Jones side eye.

23. Hayden Panettiere

Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

This is the double-wrapped version of a dress. Is double-wrapping ever necessary? Looking at this, I’d say no.

24. Cat Deeley

Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

Why does this outfit makes me feel like she’s about to break into song and try to sell me on Coke Zero?

The Freak:

26. Julianne Moore

Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

You have to applaud the balls it took to wear this much bright yellow fabric at once.

27. Nicole Kidman (with Keith Urban)

Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

I wish the pattern didn’t stop where it did. Like, if you’re going to bake a cake you don’t make the batter and wait for the oven to turn itself on. You finish the job!

28. Lucy Liu

Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

The bigger a sequin the cheaper it looks. Even a partial corset overlay can only remedy that so much.

29. Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi

Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

If Gumby were tan…

30. Sofia Vergara

Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

I love her Nineties makeup (even though I’m sure that wasn’t intentional). But Miss Universe called and they want their evening wear back.

31. Lena Dunham

Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

I love that she always does something different from everyone else, but I would love this more if it were a couple feet shorter — less funereal, more fun.

32. Ginnifer Goodwin

Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

She’s thinking she should have had those fries in the car on the way over because hey, her dress is one giant ketchup spill anyway.

33. Zosia Mamet

Kevork Djansezian / Getty Images

If a hostess cupcake were a gown.

34. Glenn Close

Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

As nail art, this would work. As a whole dress, it’s like a mold that just keeps spreading.

35. Julianne Hough

Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

Well on the upside she has candy stuck to the bottom of her dress in case any of the actresses there break their juice fasts.

36. Ashley Judd

Kevork Djansezian / Getty Images

If you’re going to go here, just put bows everywhere — hair, wrists, front waist — and make it really freak.

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