Emmys Fashion Recap: The Chic, The Bleak, And The Freak

January Jones finally nailed it, Heidi Klum miraculously looked slightly dowdy, and Sofia Vergara finally took her preferred mermaid look one step too far.

The Chic:

2. January Jones

YES! After the skimpy graduation tassel of ‘11, the intense peacocking of ‘10, and her slew of other debatable outfits, January nailed it this time. This is how you wear a black ball gown at an award show. It so perfectly says: “Don’t fuck with me, my dress can hurt you.” Which must be directed at Jessica “Mrs. Draper/New Mad Men Screen Queen” Paré (we’ll get to her later).

Image by Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

3. Jessica Lange

Without the shades this wouldn’t have been as cool. It’s so “Texts From Jessica Lange.”

Image by Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

4. Julie Bowen

I know you won’t all agree with me BUT! I love how, despite this dress being very traditional she chose a very nontraditional color, even if neon is sort of passé. I guess that’s the kind of pressure an actress feels when you’re sort of competing for attention with the impossibly radiant Sof-ME-a Vergara.

Image by The Associated Press / AP

5. Kerry Washington

Because we will get to some people who were a little overzealous with their sequins, let’s appreciate how nicely done these sequins are. Loud materials don’t need, like, extra corsets on top to look good.

Image by Lucy Nicholson / Reuters

6. Julia Louis-Dreyfus

This brownish dark red was a surprising trend but JLD pulled it off the best. A tight mermaid cut is pretty much the way to win a red carpet without thinking too hard about it.

Image by Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

7. Padma Lakshmi

Her tight dresses laugh in the face of everyone else who eats food.

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8. Elisabeth Moss

I know this is another debatable one but I love that she chose a non-traditional print and cut. Very “hipster goes to Hollywood.”

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9. Kiernan Shipka

It would be wrong to say anything bad about a child’s outfit but I really do think this was the best look of the night. She probably also makes straight A’s and plays Tchaikovsky piano concertos flawlessly.

Image by Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

10. Allison Williams

An easy mermaid-cut win, but the peplums are nicely on-trend and keep the dress interesting, even if her boobs look like teeth.

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11. Zooey Deschanel

No one else could pull off a Cinderella princess gown like this, not even Kiernan Shipka. This is how you wear your whimsy, right here.

Image by Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

The Bleak:

13. Kristen Wiig

I was torn on this but ultimately decided it’s like the Forever 21 version of the Givenchy dress Rooney Mara wore to the Oscars:

Image by Frazer Harrison / Getty Images

Image by Lucy Nicholson / Reuters

15. Mayim Bialik

The sleeves would function soooo much better as candle cleaners than part of this dress.

Image by Frazer Harrison / Getty Images

16. Julianna Margulies

You might call this a “total Monet.”

Image by Lucy Nicholson / Reuters

17. Kat Dennings

Aside from her dress itself being forgettable, the main problem with this is her attitude. SMILE lady you’re MAKING IT IN COMEDY and you’re ON A MAJOR RED CARPET! Be happy that you are being recognized for your success!

Image by Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

18. Michelle Dockery

Downton sad-ey.

Image by Kevork Djansezian / Getty Images

19. Heidi Klum

At least she found a second use for those silk sheets Pink used for her aerial shows. A little more tailoring might have helped make it look less like a Real Housewife’s bathing suit cover-up.

Image by Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

20. John Hamm

I get that he might have been leery of tight pants, but when you’re a red-carpet guy tailoring is really everything.

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21. Christina Hendricks

Gray is better suited to “I want to look dirty on purpose today” or “fucking last night’s tequila don’t talk to me this morning” than “I’m a star! At the Emmys!”

Image by Frazer Harrison / Getty Images

22. Jessica Pare

You can’t say anything BAD about this but there’s not anything interesting to rave over, either.

She totally spent the night giving January Jones side eye.

Image by Frazer Harrison / Getty Images

23. Hayden Panettiere

This is the double-wrapped version of a dress. Is double-wrapping ever necessary? Looking at this, I’d say no.

Image by Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

24. Cat Deeley

Why does this outfit makes me feel like she’s about to break into song and try to sell me on Coke Zero?

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The Freak:

26. Julianne Moore

You have to applaud the balls it took to wear this much bright yellow fabric at once.

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27. Nicole Kidman (with Keith Urban)

I wish the pattern didn’t stop where it did. Like, if you’re going to bake a cake you don’t make the batter and wait for the oven to turn itself on. You finish the job!

Image by Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

28. Lucy Liu

The bigger a sequin the cheaper it looks. Even a partial corset overlay can only remedy that so much.

Image by Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

29. Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi

If Gumby were tan…

Image by Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

30. Sofia Vergara

I love her Nineties makeup (even though I’m sure that wasn’t intentional). But Miss Universe called and they want their evening wear back.

Image by Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

31. Lena Dunham

I love that she always does something different from everyone else, but I would love this more if it were a couple feet shorter — less funereal, more fun.

Image by Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

32. Ginnifer Goodwin

She’s thinking she should have had those fries in the car on the way over because hey, her dress is one giant ketchup spill anyway.

Image by Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

33. Zosia Mamet

If a hostess cupcake were a gown.

Image by Kevork Djansezian / Getty Images

34. Glenn Close

As nail art, this would work. As a whole dress, it’s like a mold that just keeps spreading.

Image by Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

35. Julianne Hough

Well on the upside she has candy stuck to the bottom of her dress in case any of the actresses there break their juice fasts.

Image by Mario Anzuoni / Reuters

36. Ashley Judd

If you’re going to go here, just put bows everywhere — hair, wrists, front waist — and make it really freak.

Image by Kevork Djansezian / Getty Images