Dad Jeans, Manny Packs, And Pink Manties Storm The Men’s Runways In Milan

Thighs bulged, murses proliferated, and floral prints positively flourished on the runways at the latest Milan Men’s Fashion Week shows. Let’s take a look at the highlights!

1. First up: DAD DENIM!

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Calvin Klein may be more famous for its jeans than any label showing on the Milan runways, thereby having the power to make the unthinkable — dad jeans — hot. This is great for Barack Obama, who’s gotten more shit for his dad denim than any famous dad in recent memory.

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The 2009 dad jeans offense that rocked the world.

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3. Calvin is also making (or, trying to make) the dad denim jacket happen.

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So, Mr. President, consider yourself redeemed — for now. If Michelle hasn’t shipped all your denim pants to Goodwill you have photo evidence to convince her not to.

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4. Versace offered another unexpected denim option.

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I’m not sure one would call these DAD jeans per se, but they’d certainly be great for packing snacks for little league practice.

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5. Frankie Morello is sticking to dark jeans.

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Don’t these look so much more boring by comparison? You know, minus the fact that his accessories outnumber the articles of clothing he has on.

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6. Flirty neck scarves jazzed up spring’s festive suits.

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The label Canali was especially fond of neckwear, pairing a scarf here with a powder blue printed blazer.

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And here’s the style again in mint green — one of many colors few men wear enough.

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8. Roberto Cavalli offered a more seductive version.

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This may be more of a neck scarf than a tease scarf, leading one to imagine where it leads and what it presses up against beyond that blue sheer panel just beneath this model’s collarbones.

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9. Roccobarocco’s neck scarves were pure prep.

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The marriage of lilac and chartreuse had ye olde Nantucket red hanging his head in a shameful realization of his own inadequacy.

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10. When tops were too delicate for neck scarves, a sweater made do.

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Another look from Canali that proves a flirty neck scarf works best with within a landscape of structured pieces. Without a poppable collar or blazer, Canali balanced out this look with the old standby: a sweater tied over the shoulders.

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11. Printed blazers also made a statement.

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Canali offered this floral variety in manly earth tones.

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12. Etro went bohemian.

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A turban enhances the eccentricity of the print.

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13. Canali offered a structured upgrade to your Lily Pulitzer.

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Does Lily P. make metallics? Didn’t think so.

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14. Here it is in manly purple.

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15. Etro tops an effortless empire waist top with a coordinating blazer.

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A baroque-and-gingham printed one at that. This whole look is perfect not only to sleep in but to wear to destination weddings of people you don’t like.

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16. Cavali played with tiger stripes and jewel tones.

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Despite the business here, the color palette has an alarmingly muted quality to it.

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17. And a digitalized splatter paint effect.

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Ah, here’s what the previous Cavalli outfit was missing! WORDS. Nothing tackys up an outfit quite like the addition of a meaningless phrase.

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18. Frankie Morello used casette tape imagery.

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This is like a collage of every the Instagram photos every hipster feels destined to take.

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19. John Varvatos kept it simple with pinstripes.

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And very complicated with the layering. That’s white shirt, red blazer, then pinstripe blazer, then shades, then SCOWL.

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20. Etro also delivered a muted gold printed jacket.

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For men who fear multicolor, I presume.

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21. Tops also came in fun shapes, patterns, and colors. Take this knitted tee with extra boxy sleeves by Z Zenga.

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22. Or this metallic gold tank top by Frankie Morello.

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I can see Diane Kruger or Rihanna wearing this exact outfit with a fierce pair of black heels in a heartbeat.

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23. On otherwise plain shiny blue suit gets an upgrade with this butch blue floral blouse.

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This Etro model also wore a curious mix of accessories.

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Like, HOW is he supposed to listen to his music with the houndstooth headphones over that fabulous turban he has on? I guess statement headphones are more necklaces than headphones anyway, these days.

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25. Gucci also showed a plant-inspired blue-printed blouse.

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With an illusion belt drawn onto the waistband. In all seriousness this is a great alternative to men’s go-to Hawaiian tops: Tommy Bahama’s signature sail-like eye sores.

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26. Blue floral tops are clearly a trend — here it is again at Calvin Klein.

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Think this is a onesie or separates? It could really go either way.

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27. And here’s another dizzying spectacle from the Cavalli runway.

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Starships were evidently not meant to fly — they were meant to explode all over this track jacket.

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28. Dolce & Gabbana explored three-quarter length sleeves.

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Worn best with shorts that only cover three-quarters or less of the thighs.

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29. Vivienne Westwood sent mixed men’s prints down the runway.

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This look is no longer just for thrift store-crazed women. Now, men can join in on the fun of ironic grandma dressing too!

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30. Vivienne Westwood’s tee may have been the fruitiest of all.

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Wearable Thanksgiving! You know, because you could never wear Thanksgiving on a runway in terms of a spare tire around your waist.

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31. Burberry Prorsum paired a printed sheer blouse with shiny pink cigarette pants.

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Also: SANDALS WITH SOCKS. Talk about a wild and crazy fashion move.

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32. Ferragamo also went with mixed prints.

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Perfect for those days dudes want to look like they’re wearing their sister’s tennis clothes.

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33. But the most fun top of all belonged to Emporio Armani.

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Who engineered the most stylish, most alluring nipple window of our time. Could those pecs be more perfectly centered within?

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34. For men ready to graduate from printed tops, but not quite ready to go for all over prints, Gucci offered a couple pairs of printed pants.

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36. And it wouldn’t be Men’s Fashion Week without a few dresses, like this Moncler Gamme Bleu one.

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37. Also from Moncler Gamme Bleu: a white dress thing that looks like a fence.

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It’s either that or some sort of restrained fetishized in Fifty Shades of Grey.

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38. Vivienne Westwood’s man dress gave audiences the heavage they were craving.

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This looks great for those transitional months when you can’t decide whether to wear sleeves should be long or short or whether you have to wear pants or can just get away with the skirt without the tights.

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39. Versace did a sparkly sheer Gladiator dress.

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Props to the label for not making the model wax his legs.

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40. Here’s a less sheer, but more risque man dress by Versace.

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Note the smart layering of the structured vest overtop. To go from night to day, just add pants.

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41. The truly adventurous dressers have no shortage of fully printed looks to choose from.

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Like this Moncler Gamme Bleu ensemble, which comes with a handy lifejacket for the next time you have to film a drowning scene in a Wes Anderson film.

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42. Etro has the perfect outfit for an early morning coffee run in a chic summer vacation destination.

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Like Martha’s Vineyard or the Hamptons. Roll out of bed, change into your day pajamas, and you’re ready to face the neighbors.

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43. Roccobarocco’s pink printed jacket, shorts, and sneakers will take you from the pool to the gym to the foam party.

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44. Oh and look at this from Trussardi!

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They’ve evidently seen one to many boringly attired croquet matches. This is the perfect thing for one of those or any old field day where rose spritzers are the beverage of choice.

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45. This Vivienne Westwood set is ideal for Fourth of July parties.

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What better way to liven up cliché flag clothes than with this abstract interpretation?

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46. Versace showed a black-and-white gingham shorts suit.

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For those who shun color, but not looking absolutely fabulous.

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47. Versace also mixed prints.

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For those for whom one is never enough. Nineties boy bands and Rihanna are going to be clawing each other’s faces off to get in this outfit first.

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48. Robes did not go unnoticed.

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Here’s one by Etro worn over a glitter top. (Day to night tip: remove robe, flaunt top.)

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49. Vivienne Westwood also played with loungewear as daywear.

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And butterflies as pendant necklaces.

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50. But really, man bags (commonly referred to as murses) were the accessory du jour.

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Etro’s will put your nylon Longchamp to shame.

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51. Canali made its murse masculine with canvas and leather fabrics

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Though you have to wonder if this is actually smart marketing — fashion savvy men might just start thinking, “My wife has that — I’ll just steal it from her.”

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52. Gucci’s models wore their man satchels across the body.

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Easily fits gym clothes, hair gel, makeup, etc.

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53. Prada’s murses were daintier.

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Perfect for the essentials, like a wallet, Chapstick, blotting papers and iPhone.

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54. But the most innovative bag style so far? The manny pack.

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Here it is on the Trussardi runway.

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55. See how it cleverly attaches to any old belt?

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I see this as being great for evening — when you have to put your compact somewhere but don’t want some big flashy It bag detracting from your outfit.

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56. Trussardi also makes a full around-the-waist style.

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You can pack a spare pair of manties and breath mints for when you sleep over at someone’s house.

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57. Versace played with harnesses.

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If you want to carry a ladies’ sized wallet that won’t fit in pockets, this harness device makes perfect sense if you’re in an area where you don’t have to worry about crime.

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58. It’s really the James Bond of wallet-carrying.

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59. A couple of labels cast novelty models, like Dolce & Gabbana.

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Which cast this child. (You know, child meaning less grown than the other teenagers on the runway.)

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60. Philipp Plein cast Ed Westwick.

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And wasn’t that awkward for everyone!

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61. But everyone knows the real reason you clicked into this post…

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62. Shirtless hotties!

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Here’s an ensemble cast at Emporio Armani.

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63. And another ensemble of pecs at Frankie Morello.

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They were torn between playing basketball and trying on their mother’s jewelry.

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64. A lone ranger at Vivienne Westwood.

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65. And a nipple-less tease at Versace.

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66. A bellybutton-less tease also at Versace.

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67. An eight pack troublingly concealed by another huge Versace belt corset thing.

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68. A leopard helmet and tattoos at Philipp Plein.

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This seems like something Chris Brown would wear at something like the Billboard Awards.

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69. Dolce & Gabbana failed to disappoint fans.

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With this half-naked safari look.

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And this half-naked pool party look.

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And this half-naked “eff Hawaiian shirts” look.

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72. But the best, most unexpected, skin-flaunting look of the whole weekend of shows was this pink one by Versace.

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It combines nearly all the hot trends discussed above: manny packs, murses, prints, and skin.

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Thank you, Versace. With these designs you make everyone’s day a little brighter.

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