33 Retina-Assaulting Moments From The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

It’s the brightest, loudest, shiniest fashion show known to man.

1. Apparently there was some sort of Americana theme.

This glittery reappropriation of the American flag was in honor of either the election, Kate Upton’s success wearing a flag bikini on GQ (she wasn’t in the show because the show’s casting director “would never” cast her), or the National Guard, who had been staying in the Lexington Avenue Armory in New York City where the show tapes but were kicked out the night of the show. To the company’s credit, Victoria’s Secret previously leant the National Guard the generators they had brought in for the show before the storm hit. But the event went on as planned, even though the National Guard is still working on hurricane relief efforts and the depressed post-Sandy mood still permeates the city, where lots of red-carpet events have been canceled.

2. This!

Model Karlie Kloss got to wear this floor-dragging feathered headdress, which somehow made it into the show even after No Doubt had to pull a video with Native American imagery — including a big fluffy headdress — that was widely deemed offensive.

3. This is probably the wrong pose.

I assume she’s blowing a kiss — which is a signature VS runway-model move — but oh this is gaffe-y.

4. Some looks felt awkwardly “too soon.”

Remember that the show tapes a month in advance — it won’t air on TV until Dec. 4, at which time you might be thinking about the new year.

Image by Carlo Allegri / Reuters

5. Bedazzled candy canes made for “wings.”

The VS Fashion Show is basically an hour-long holiday shopping commercial for the brand. Just keep that in mind.

Image by Carlo Allegri / Reuters

6. The only thing more perplexing than the front of this one…

7. Is the back of it.

8. The diamond bra is supposed to be the showpiece of the whole event.

Alessandra Ambrosio got to wear it this year with a waistband made of “leaves” and what is supposed to be either a pair of “wings” or a neck pillow made of mightily engorged orchids.

Image by Carlo Allegri / Reuters

9. Rihanna serenaded the allegedly underwear-themed festivities.

Her outfits were somehow perfect in the face of all of it. It’s hard to know if this show is about the underwear or all the other stuff surrounding the underwear.

Image by Carlo Allegri / Reuters

10. Of course, she did her best to play up the sexual tension any men watching the show, in their most stereotypical moments, might wish for.

She got a little touchy at points. But we knew that was in the script when VS hired Rihanna, so, moving on.

Image by Carlo Allegri / Reuters

11. This photo just about sums up the awkwardness of all of this.

I wonder what was in that cage before they refashioned it as a peplumed corset…

Image by Carlo Allegri / Reuters

12. Justin Bieber?

From what I learned in that 3-D documentary about him he does possess many of the same qualities as hyper monkeys.

Image by Carlo Allegri / Reuters

13. Looks like we’ll have to wait for the show to air on TV to see if he rode around in the “bike” basket as part of his routine.

Is he still small enough for that? HMM, QUESTIONS.

Image by Carlo Allegri / Reuters

14. If he’s almost as tall as the models when they’re wearing heels, does that mean he’s all grown up now?

Or that he has a really good pair of man heels hidden in his sneakers?

Image by Carlo Allegri / Reuters

15. Rihanna was much more modest about the finale.

Or maybe not, given that her M.O. seems to be rubbing up on all the models.

Image by Carlo Allegri / Reuters

16. Of course the girls wore kids’ toys when Bieber performed…

His ability to not stop what he was singing and start building LEGO houses and things with their “skirts” is a testament to his focus as an artist.

Image by Carlo Allegri / Reuters

17. …while Bieber was dressed like Karl Lagerfeld.

The silver fingerless gloves, the futuristic textured white leather clothes…

Image by Carlo Allegri / Reuters

18. Many of the outfits on the runway were ornate in entirely new ways.

You’ve probably never thought to wear your skirts as a sleeve, for instance.

Image by Carlo Allegri / Reuters

19. Some just looked like “Gypsy Wedding” dresses with the front removed.

Image by Carlo Allegri / Reuters

Rihanna managed to wear the world’s most perfect outfit to the after-party.

This moment of sartorial perfection is just to give your eyes a break.

OK, enough of that, sunglasses back on!

Image by The Associated Press / AP

20. The show may also have been looking ahead to St. Patrick’s Day.

Unless there’s a Ferngully re-release I don’t know about.

Image by Carlo Allegri / Reuters

21. Is she wearing…a round bed?

Because if so I want IN!

Image by Carlo Allegri / Reuters

22. Making sense is for losers.

Or, at least, ugly people.

Image by Carlo Allegri / Reuters

23. Some of the most dramatic wings were made of actual feathers.

Image by Carlo Allegri / Reuters

24.

Miranda Kerr has done this so many times she’s just thinking about whether or not she remembered to set her DVR to record The Voice.

25. But many still were made of carnival detritus.

Image by Carlo Allegri / Reuters

26. And there were glitter bras that had the truly remarkable effect of making boobs look five times their natural size.

Quite a feat of optical illusion by the design team.

Image by Carlo Allegri / Reuters

27. The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show is one of the best jobs a model can land these days.

Remember that as we go through these last few photos.

Image by Carlo Allegri / Reuters

28. Fascinators had a few big moments on the runway.

As did Christmas, as we’ve seen. I do hope a velour embellished Hanukkah corset makes it into the final broadcast.

Image by Carlo Allegri / Reuters

29. Magic hovering pom-poms, anyone?

You have to wonder why cheerleaders bother doing all that work with their arms when they could just do this.

30. Side vagina: It’s a thing!

Only Victoria’s Secret could figure out how to engineer it. I wonder if she’s saluting the National Guard on their way out?

31. Or maybe Adriana Lima is bidding those service people adieu.

“Good luck with Sandy relief!” *air kiss*

(The National Guard that had to vacate the space should be let back in once the show ends.)

Image by Carlo Allegri / Reuters

32. Poodle-esque weirdness aside, who else is jealous of her glitter Hula-Hoop?

Whatever Toys”R”Us they looted for this show, again: I want in.

33. Lights, balloons, throw them some cupcakes!!!!

Now that it’s all over, the girls can scale back their diet and exercise routines and eat a couple of cupcakes before starting up the cycle all over again for next year.

This is about the holidays, after all, and nothing says holiday time like lots and lots of sweets — and not looking anything like these women.

Image by Carlo Allegri / Reuters