33 Absolutely Universal Truths About Fashion

Don’t believe what they say — clothes are NOT ALWAYS ON YOUR SIDE.

1. You will lose every pair of sunglasses you spend more than $20 on.

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2. Your tights will run the first time you wear them.

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3. You will want to return things you bought at Forever 21 but you CAN’T.

Because they only give store credit. Assholes.

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4. Ditto American Apparel.

Because those jerks also don’t allow returns.

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5. Your jeans will fit awesomely when you first put them on in the morning and then get baggy at the end of the day.

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6. You will convince yourself that maybe-too-short dress you have is OK for work — and then regret wearing it all day.

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7. You will buy something amazing…

Stella McCartney.

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Without thinking about how it’s dry-clean only.

Of course you will never actually dry-clean it.

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8. You will buy the sweetest, most perfect linen dress…

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And never iron or steam it like you promised yourself you would.

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9. You will never hand-wash anything.

Talk about a pain in the ass.

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10. You’ll get your hair did.

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And then it will RAIN.

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11. You will spill on anything you buy that’s white.

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12. You will fail to knot your bikini straps tightly enough and they will come loose while you’re swimming.

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13. You will find something to buy in a vintage store and feel like a badass…

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And then decide you hate it and never wear it.

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14. You will pair a tunic top that is ALMOST A DRESS with leggings and hate how your outfit looks by the end of the day.

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15. You will cut off your own jorts and the legs will be uneven, which will drive you crazy.

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16. You will try pull off irreverently pairing sneakers with a dress, like Rihanna does…

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And then decide you look stupid and feel like a fool.

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17. Your skin-care products will discolor your towels.

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18. Ditto your pillowcases.

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19. Your light-colored scarf will get lint all over your black coat.

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20. Your favorite summer sandals will try to shed their soles.

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21. You will buy a completely fabulous bra…

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And just end up wearing your plain Calvin Klein T-shirt bra all the time because it’s easier.

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22. No pair of heels is actually comfortable.

And they all make you feel pretty much like, well, crap.

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23. You will never go out of your way to buy a slip for that white thing you have that needs one.

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24. You will never be able to improvise tops the way models do.

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25. You will swear to yourself that you’ll get things tailored so they fit perfectly…

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But you’ll never actually bother.

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26. Some clothes will always show underwear lines…

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No matter how hard to try to get rid of them.

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27. Spanx are never comfortable enough to be worth it.

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28. You will never lose five pounds to fit into something you haven’t worn yet.

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29. Your crop tops will never be work-appropriate.

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No matter what magical thinking convinces you that they can be so.

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30. Your sequined stuff will catch on everything.

Do not even TRY to get it near knitwear.

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31. You will never find a way to seamlessly wear a bra with that clingy backless dress you love.

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32. Basically, fashion can be incredibly fun and totally wonderful.

And freeing and expressive of who you are, and all of that.

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33. But sometimes it is just horrible and embarrassing and out to make us feel bad and awkward.

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But: whatever!

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Because at the end of the day, you know this will always be true.

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