21 New Rules For Bathing Suits

In Miami, swimwear designers are displaying their latest creations — the things the masses will have the ability to buy and wear the next time beach season rolls around. Prep for that occasion with these simple guidelines.

1. Accessorize your one-piece with a giant sea anemone replica.

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If you’re feeling self-conscious about your thighs this sort of ornamentation will certainly keep people from thinking about or looking at those.

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2. Disguise the shape of your breasts with an old dust ruffle.

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Ooh! Now THIS is easy to DIY.

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3. Or, turn breasts into a cat toy.

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Slash mop. Whatever.

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4. Keep a separate comb for your bathing suits.

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To un-knot them after you stash them away for months in the winter.

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5. To change up your look, part boob fringe down the middle.

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I have a feeling this Luli Fama line will be popular in Vegas next spring.

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6. When you get to the beach, use a sheer, iridescent skirt to really ARRIVE.

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That is, if your shoes don’t announce your entrance for you…

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7. Eff flip-flops — wear shoes that scare people.

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Rose by Vanessa Jean showed some truly insane and elaborate, well, I guess you’d call them pumps. For this pair she appears to have melted down all of Madonna’s favorite accessories and mashed them into footwear.

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How many sets of Lady Gaga’s Day of the Week underpants do you think went into these shoes? Two weeks’ worth? Three?

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Mm, comfy-looking!

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Also ideal for keeping the focus on something other than the body parts you feel self-conscious about — that is, if you can wear these without feeling self-conscious about them.

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8. Cover nipples with zebra Band-aids, then cover breasts with mesh orange crop top.

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Cut-out high-waisted underpants complete the look.

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9. Leave as little as possible to the imagination.

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In this effort, tan lines will naturally be as complex as possible, so make sure you pack the spray sunscreen.

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10. Rouched bottoms make wedgies purposeful, instead of embarrassing.

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11. Tie dye your bikini.

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I enjoy tie dye in all its forms.

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12. Wear prints that aren’t floral.

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Girly, but not overtly so.

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13. Enhance your beach look with a side braid that says, “I don’t try.”

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Offset with yellow eye makeup that says you do.

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14. It’s okay if your bikini looks like the frosting on a “it’s a girl!” cake.

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15. Whenever possible, use cover-ups for big reveals.

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16. Also, affix wallpaper to the crotch with strings.

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17. Style hair so that when you submerge in the water, you look like a buoy.

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This is either very dangerous since people might bump into you, or a clever safety tactic since people might just skirt around you.

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18. Wear gigantic-ass jewelry.

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You know, stuff that’s hard to lose. It’s easy to lose stuff on the beach.

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19. Instead of trying to put your cat on a leash for a day of sun and fun, try a disco ball.

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You’ll get just as many stares and almost as much personal amusement.

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20. Or just wear disco balls as jewelry.

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This needs to happen more often just generally.

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21. Wear floor-length chiffon vests as cover ups.

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Is there a more fun way to cover up without actually covering up? I think this spiffy see-through overthing makes average beach rompers and sarongs look about as unglamorous as Kevin Federline buying snacks at a gas station, but that’s just me.

(Note: above comments do not reflect feelings on bikin or outfit overall.)

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