1.
Accessorize your one-piece with a giant sea anemone replica.
2.
Disguise the shape of your breasts with an old dust ruffle.
3.
Or, turn breasts into a cat toy.
4.
Keep a separate comb for your bathing suits.
5.
To change up your look, part boob fringe down the middle.
6.
When you get to the beach, use a sheer, iridescent skirt to really ARRIVE.
7.
Eff flip-flops — wear shoes that scare people.
8.
Cover nipples with zebra Band-aids, then cover breasts with mesh orange crop top.
9.
Leave as little as possible to the imagination.
10.
Rouched bottoms make wedgies purposeful, instead of embarrassing.
12.
Wear prints that aren't floral.
13.
Enhance your beach look with a side braid that says, "I don't try."
14.
It's okay if your bikini looks like the frosting on a "it's a girl!" cake.
15.
Whenever possible, use cover-ups for big reveals.
16.
Also, affix wallpaper to the crotch with strings.
17.
Style hair so that when you submerge in the water, you look like a buoy.
18.
Wear gigantic-ass jewelry.
19.
Instead of trying to put your cat on a leash for a day of sun and fun, try a disco ball.
20.
Or just wear disco balls as jewelry.
21.
Wear floor-length chiffon vests as cover ups.
