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20 Things That Will Happen When The Royal Baby Is Born

ARE YOU SO EXCITED? GET SO EXCITED!

1. Baby North by Northwest will be rendered temporarily irrelevant.

Enjoy it, y’all, because for all we know it will only last a day. Let’s say that when the duchess goes into labor, Kim gets hip to the grim reality that there is a famous baby out there more famous/important than her own, and to attempt to alter said grim reality, she does something CRAZY like tweet a photo of her wee one thereby funneling attention away from the royal baby and back to Baby NW. So bask in the Kardashians’ diminished importance while you can. Like summer and cupcakes, it promises to be fleeting.

2. Even Kate Middleton will be rendered slightly less relevant.

People will care about her and her birth and all the gory details surrounding it, sure, but HRH The Royal Baby will be the new star of the entire world. Kate will probably bounce back as quickly as her waistline is bound to but she’ll be number two for at least an hour.

3. Everyone will continue not to care about Prince William.

He didn’t matter at the wedding and he still won’t matter at the royal birth. And he won’t become anymore important even if he does this dance outside the hospital right after the baby’s born, grass skirt and all.

4. Kate and William’s website will finally be updated with information that’s not totally boring.

Recent updates to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s website include: information on the annual Garter service, the most interesting aspect of which seemed to be the hats; Kate cutting a ribbon in front of an incredibly boring cruise ship; and photos of Prince William petting cheetahs and feeding rhinos. JUST TRY TO STAY AWAKE OVER AT THAT SITE, is what I’m trying to say. Come the deliverance of the royal baby, that URL will be nothing but fascinating.

5. A famous baby whose name isn’t a noun will finally enter mainstream tabloid culture.

Step aside Blue Ivy, Apple, Moon Unit, and the rest of you. This baby will have to be named something sane, like Elizabeth, because royals — as Kate’s wardrobe has taught us — are forbidden from being weird or in any way confusing. (I’m holding out for Diana, personally.)

6. Tabloid covers will look more or less like this again.

Replace “pregnant with” and “having” with “had” and you’ve basically got the exact covers we’re about to get assaulted with.

7. Of course, when the royal baby is born, everyone in the entire world is going to freak the fuck out.

8. Prince William will do this in the hospital.

We won’t see it, but thanks to this GIF we can at least *imagine* it.

9. The baby’s sex/existence will be announced via paper and pen.

So the palace will make an announcement when Kate goes into labor, then they’ll make another announcement when the baby is out. That announcement “will be made in the form of a formal bulletin, signed by medical staff and rushed in a car with a police escort to Buckingham Palace,” reports CNN. “There, the notice will be placed on an easel on the palace forecourt, the royal sources said. This will be the first chance for the nation and those watching around the world to find out whether the new baby is a boy or a girl.” And then the Queen will call William with congratulations from her rotary phone.

10. You might become an expert in an unusual maternity-related medical condition.

Fred Duval / Getty Images

Hopefully nothing will go even slightly wrong in the delivery room, but if it does and the public becomes aware of it, everyone who ever watches morning shows will automatically become an expert on it. Like, you know how you knew nothing about hyperemesis gravidarum before Kate got it? And now you talk about it at cocktail parties all the time to sound impressive? Right, it’ll be like that again.

11. The queen will be like this.

WPA Pool / Getty Images

Just as excited as she never gets about everything.

12. Sister Pippa and brother James Middleton will go in and out of the hospital, psyching out paparazzi.

Just like they did when Kate was hospitalized during her first trimester. Maybe when they do it for the royal birth they can at least wear fun hats to avoid being entirely disappointing.

13. And of course, everyone will completely freak out.

Did I mention this already?

14. Photographers forced to wait outside the hospital will be incredibly grumpy.

And probably blame their misery on Kate having another “wussy hangover.”

15. Kate and William will realize that their offspring is incredibly important and publicity-stirring.

“While it is a deeply personal and private event, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge realize this is a time of national celebration and that there will be vast interest in the baby,” a palace spokesman told Us Weekly. “They realize many people will want to share in their happiness.”

DING DING DING DING DING!!!!!!

16. The masses will continue to be unmoved by the news that lesser royal Zara Phillips is also pregnant.

Matt Roberts / Getty Images

Yep, that’s right.

Where were we? Oh right — KATE’S BABY!

17. Royal baby crap will flood the streets of London.

Royal baby cookies, key rings, china, and more things you don’t need but totally want are now taking up retailers’ shelves across the UK. Fox News even suggests that the Middletons’ party supply company Party Pieces is selling an “I’m a Princess!” line in honor of the royal baby. So even crap that probably has nothing to do with Kate and William’s unborn child will be lumped in with royal baby crap anyway.

18. And did I mention everyone will freak out?

19. Because when the royal baby is born everyone will enter a state of utter hysteria.

20. Some people will be so overwhelmed by the new baby that this is all they’ll be able to do.

So bring it on, royal baby. WE’RE READY FOR YOU.

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